My trusty hand-held vacuum cleaner has finally had to retire, it was a solemn moment but it has served me well. For some time now the battery has not been holding its charge but the other day this became a health and safety issue so I had to call time. I am sure that some of you will be wondering how a flat battery in a vacuum can be a health and safety issue so I will explain.
I heard an intermittent buzzing sound on a number of occasions whilst walking around my apartment and, after the fourth occurrence, decided to go and investigate. In the bedroom I found a wasp the size of a brown bear* angrily attempting to leave by the window which, despite his powerful attacks, remained resolutely closed. I backed slowly away and collected my trusty hand-held vacuum before creeping into the room, using the stealth of natural cover, and approaching the angry yellow devil. Now if you have tried to capture flying things in a vacuum you will know it is not as easy as it may first appear, the blighters tend to get out-of-the-way at the last-minute. The trick is to get close, but not to close, and then allow the air flow to draw them in before they see you.
Having positioned the nozzle like the expert hunter that I am I pulled the trigger and, following a struggle, the vacuum won and drew him into the little clear bin, that’s when it happened. The battery died and all sound stopped apart from a now furious buzzing and banging off the plastic bin from the enclosed wasp. Realising he wasn’t as trapped or concussed as I had hoped I rushed to the kitchen to set the device on charge, you cannot operate it whilst charging, and to my horror watched the enraged wasp climb towards the exit! withdrawing the vacuum from the charger I gave him a quick couple of laps of the bin before having to hit the charger again. I repeated this cycle three times and was acutely aware that the wasp was getting more angry, he kept trying to sting me through the clear plastic, and improving his technique. On the last attempt the wasp clung to a dust ball and avoided the cyclone winds so something had to be done.
Bug spray sprayed in front of the operating vacuum seemed to do nothing more than empower him, I think he got the fragrant notes that ‘attract insects’ but skipped the ones that kill them. I managed to get some kitchen towel into the nozzle and left him to tire himself out with only an occasional glimpse to ensure that the tissue remained in place. My plan the following morning, if he hadn’t expired, was to microwave the bin, yes I know its cruel but he was bloody angry and bloody big! Luckily he gave up the ghost overnight but, to be on the safe side, has been discarded with the machine, can wasps play dead?
Now all of this is actually a preamble to the real purpose of the post which revolves around the new hand-held vacuum and its attempts to mess with my head. This machine comes with a motorised head specifically for mattress cleaning, no concern of mine but hey that’s what came in the box. So when the box arrived did I discard the motorised head? hell know I set about cleaning my mattress like anybody that had brought a new gadget. Now I do, from time to time, vacuum my mattress but I do so with the upright machine and this doesn’t have a motorised head. So I set at my mattress with a brand new clear dustbin and you can imagine what happened, why oh why do they make them clear? I think that this is exactly like the carpet washers where if you were to use them on a brand new carpet the water would go dark, it’s just an illusion intended to make you think that you are achieving something.
I have never stopped to empty the upright pre mattress and then check the results but even if I did they would never be as impressive as the first time, that virgin plastic bin has a lot to answer for. So now, as much as I tell myself that it is all some manufacturers mind games I will be increasing my mattress vacuuming schedule. When my grocery shopping was delivered this week it contained another of those brilliant pieces of marketing, scent beads for laundry, never knew I needed them. I use fabric conditioner in my laundry that proudly proclaims to give me weeks of freshness but now the same manufacturers are telling me that this is all lies. Obviously no mere liquid could achieve this you need perfumed beads, stands to reason surely? Apparently perfumed beads mean that my laundry will stay fresh for decades or, I presume, until it has been put away in a drawer.
So now that my bed linen has been scented with perfumed laundry beads and my mattress vacuumed with a special motorised brush it occurs to me that these two manufacturers may be in cahoots, could it be that the perfumed beads add the dust that the vacuum then collects and proudly displays?