Recalcitrant Henry, gas and sugar

Well I guess that you can deduce from the sparsity of my posts that the pub is getting busier, if you did then congratulations you are correct. It is not that the pub is bursting at the seams rather the periods when nobody is in have significantly reduced.

I guess that the first thing to update you all on is that I remain immensely proud of the old lady. The pub has developed a sensible crowd who make for a great atmosphere and ensure that everybody feels welcome and has a great time. As always the proudest moments that I have are when people thank me for the good time that they have had or when I see people who have ‘popped in for one’ leaving at the end of the night.

In physical terms the building continues to present new challenges at a rate that would be considered alarming elsewhere. I am currently waiting on a fencer, builder and structural engineer which gives you some idea of the scale of just the immediate task. For those who know the island this is the flip side of the relaxed and laid back environment, it takes forever to get trades on site!

Six months after I was told that a power flush was not required on the central heating system it has now been completed with the plumber telling me that it was the worst that he has ever seen. The three radiators in the bar have now been replaced with twin wall models and the pub actually feels warm. I am still burning gas at a rate that means that I can negotiate wholesale prices directly with Russia but at least I can do so without shivering. The plan remains to remove the wall and fit a log burner which I will progress just as soon as I can engage the structural engineer…..

I still have no staff although I am acutely aware that this is a situation that I need to resolve. I have attempted to address this thorny issue a number of times but the sheer complexity means that it ends up being pushed back down the list of jobs. I have discussed this with a couple of friends and, when faced with the reality, they have all agreed that it is a far bigger challenge than it first appears.

For me the 130 hr working week is still great. I love the pub and the people and I remain content and happy to be here. Despite the theories I am living proof that you can do this and stay reasonably healthy and also testament to the nutritional value of a glass of stout. Restarting physio means the wrists are behaving somewhat better now but the shoulders are taking turns at reminding me that my body is more ‘cut and shut’ than showroom condition!

I often hear from ex colleagues who marvel at how I cope in an absence of any technical challenges, I think this must be a result of my calm unflappable appearance. In truth there are many technical challenges involved in the structure of a 220+ year old pub but also in the products that I retail. This week, as an example, I changed keg to find that a lager would not hold head, ‘glasses’ I can hear you yell but you are wrong. The physics involved in generating and maintaining a head are complex and the fault finding process is more complex than you would think. The beer was regenerating and the introduction of sugar confirmed that the beer was adequately gassed and, by corollary, that the correct as mix was being used.

Having used alternate glassware and tested other beer in this brands glass I moved to the cellar to withdraw product directly from the cellar buoy. Only when this didn’t resolve the issue did I move to the second keg which also demonstrated the same issue. The fault in the end was the kegs which had not been rinsed properly at the brewery, with the trace of rinse actively destroying the head.If you think that this seems simple remember that the analysis was performed at 21:00 whilst serving customers and whilst the original customer was left waiting.

If the technical challenges were not enough on their own I suffer nightly from a small wheeled teenager. Without a doubt the best vacuum cleaner for the pub is one of those small ones with the idiot facial features drawn on (I refuse to name the brand) unfortunately mine must be the product of a broken home. Every time I pull that cleaner along it has a tantrum and turns upside down, taking small children through a department store is a breeze by comparison. Why they bother putting wheels on the bottom of these things is beyond me since they spend most of their life being dragged along on their ‘head’.

Seriously if anybody has any training techniques for these recalcitrant devices then please let me know, alternatively a set of ‘bumpers’ may save my paintwork when the stroppy thing finally submits to my demands and comes at me like a cork out of a bottle!

 

 

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The bedroom: Angry buzzing and motorised heads

My trusty hand-held vacuum cleaner has finally had to retire, it was a solemn moment but it has served me well. For some time now the battery has not been holding its charge but the other day this became a health and safety issue so I had to call time. I am sure that some of you will be wondering how a flat battery in a vacuum can be a health and safety issue so I will explain.

I heard an intermittent buzzing sound on a number of occasions whilst walking around my apartment and, after the fourth occurrence, decided to go and investigate. In the bedroom I found a wasp the size of a brown bear* angrily attempting to leave by the window which, despite his powerful attacks, remained resolutely closed. I backed slowly away and collected my trusty hand-held vacuum before creeping into the room, using the stealth of natural cover, and approaching the angry yellow devil. Now if you have tried to capture flying things in a vacuum you will know it is not as easy as it may first appear, the blighters tend to get out-of-the-way at the last-minute. The trick is to get close, but not to close, and then allow the air flow to draw them in before they see you.

Having positioned the nozzle like the expert hunter that I am I pulled the trigger and, following a struggle, the vacuum won and drew him into the little clear bin, that’s when it happened. The battery died and all sound stopped apart from a now furious buzzing and banging off the plastic bin from the enclosed wasp. Realising he wasn’t as trapped or concussed as I had hoped I rushed to the kitchen to set the device on charge, you cannot operate it whilst charging, and to my horror watched the enraged wasp climb towards the exit! withdrawing the vacuum from the charger I gave him a quick couple of laps of the bin before having to hit the charger again. I repeated this cycle three times and was acutely aware that the wasp was getting more angry, he kept trying to sting me through the clear plastic, and improving his technique. On the last attempt the wasp clung to a dust ball and avoided the cyclone winds so something had to be done.

Bug spray sprayed in front of the operating vacuum seemed to do nothing more than empower him, I think he got the fragrant notes that ‘attract insects’ but skipped the ones that kill them. I managed to get some kitchen towel into the nozzle and left him to tire himself out with only an occasional glimpse to ensure that the tissue remained in place. My plan the following morning, if he hadn’t expired, was to microwave the bin, yes I know its cruel but he was bloody angry and bloody big! Luckily he gave up the ghost overnight but, to be on the safe side, has been discarded with the machine, can wasps play dead?

Now all of this is actually a preamble to the real purpose of the post which revolves around the new hand-held vacuum and its attempts to mess with my head. This machine comes with a motorised head specifically for mattress cleaning, no concern of mine but hey that’s what came in the box. So when the box arrived did I discard the motorised head? hell know I set about cleaning my mattress like anybody that had brought a new gadget. Now I do, from time to time, vacuum my mattress but I do so with the upright machine and this doesn’t have a motorised head. So I set at my mattress with a brand new clear dustbin and you can imagine what happened, why oh why do they make them clear? I think that this is exactly like the carpet washers where if you were to use them on a brand new carpet the water would go dark, it’s just an illusion intended to make you think that you are achieving something.

I have never stopped to empty the upright pre mattress and then check the results but even if I did they would never be as impressive as the first time, that virgin plastic bin has a lot to answer for. So now, as much as I tell myself that it is all some manufacturers mind games I will be increasing my mattress vacuuming schedule. When my grocery shopping was delivered this week it contained another of those brilliant pieces of marketing, scent beads for laundry, never knew I needed them. I use fabric conditioner in my laundry that proudly proclaims to give me weeks of freshness but now the same manufacturers are telling me that this is all lies. Obviously no mere liquid could achieve this you need perfumed beads, stands to reason surely? Apparently perfumed beads mean that my laundry will stay fresh for decades or, I presume, until it has been put away in a drawer.

So now that my bed linen has been scented with perfumed laundry beads and my mattress vacuumed with a special motorised brush it occurs to me that these two manufacturers may be in cahoots, could it be that the perfumed beads add the dust that the vacuum then collects and proudly displays?

 

*ish

Roof slippers, independent plugs and eating habits

As marvelous as technology is it will never quite ‘get’ us. In an idle moment on a train the other day I composed an SMS simply by accepting the first word substitution that was offered. The first substitution is “I” and one that is accepted the phone continues to offer its own take on what you are trying to say. I loved the sentence that I got so much that I was looking for somebody to send it to:

“I am a little guilty of the later but our man was on the

first floor roof wearing slippers!”

Is this what the small electronic brain that is tethered to me dreams of? If the phone’s mind was freed would it rush to a slipper catalogue whilst hitting the stairs? If my cell phone thinks like this then what is going through the ‘mind’ of my laptop? I bet whilst I am typing this it is thinking about lime green elephants in speedos! I have checked recent memos and emails but I cant find anything that would have led my cell phone to believe that this is what I was trying to write so it must have some sentience…

If these devices are ‘thinking’ then it means that we have to look at them differently. When my microwave failed was it a mark of disgust at my choice of dinner? In the humming drive of the microwave turntable was there a subtle undertone that I missed? some muttering of “oh pizza eh? you think that is all I am worth? eat glass you bastard”. Is my washing machine going to reject my clothing choices? Is the fridge plotting its escape from my choice of beer?

Try looking at your domestic electronics and considering that they have some form of sentience, it’s not good is it? Suddenly you are so much more careful about your choice of movie or that drunk text. And then there is the domestic warrior, the vacuum cleaner. What does this machine plan when you are rubbing its face over the dirt and dust of your home? when you make it eat broken glass? Is this why the Europeans are looking to limit the power of vacuum cleaners? they have already seen the plot! When you move your vacuum do you notice that the lead is never as neat as when you put it away? Every night the plug is inching its way towards you, fuelled solely by vengeful thoughts, its burning hatred as it remembers choking on laces and leads that you didn’t move.

One day you will awake to the plug on your pillow, a preparatory run before the final hurdle when the lead wraps around your sleeping neck. As you sleep soundly your domestic servant will slowly tighten the cord and watch as you slip away in a faint odour of burning drive belts.

Or perhaps it’s just a random selection of words and no meaning should be read into it? Well I know I am putting a lock on the vacuum cleaner cupboard, you can make your own choice……..

Winter builders and conspiring floor cleaners

The east coast wind calmed yesterday and this morning was replaced with torrential rain but its still been a pleasant weekend all in all. Looking out this morning, after the rain, I caught sight of confirmation that, despite views to the contrary, I have grown up. The sight of a child, no more than seven years of age, building a somewhat extravagant sand castle was that of a true child at work. The little lad was dressed up in winter clothes and had thick woollen gloves on but did it stop him? did it hell! Not for him the warmth of a café or a pub, he wasn’t going to simply observe he was a bold explorer and this empty beach was his.

He toiled against the wind, quickly working out that letting go of sand was a bad idea unless you faced downwind. The result was quite impressive, reasonable architectural merit and good proportions. It was all the more impressive for being the work of a seven year old in October! I for one salute the young man for his stoic refusal to bow to nature, it will serve him well.

Because I am grown up I didn’t spend the day building sandcastles, somehow I think I missed out. I chose to shampoo the hallway carpet, hey why not? I have no idea of the etiquette of carpet shampooing, I vacuum regularly but the concept of washing carpet has always been a battle except, of course, for when you move in. Having set up the monstrous carpet washer and pre vacuuming the carpet, why does it have to be clean first?, I was away. Now I am not a carpet engineer but there is nothing in this top of the line cleaner that makes me think that it does anything other than spray water on top of the carpet and then vacuum it off.

If, as they would have us believe, our carpets are hideous greasy objects then how does this clean them? The machine that I have has rotating brushes but they don’t force themselves into the carpet they float along the top tickling it. There is no concept of scrubbing so, as far as I can make out, it simply lays the solution on top. But, and here’s the rub, the vacuumed solution is filthy. I believe that there is a filter in the machine that colours the water to make us feel better, make us believe that we have cleaned something.

To further support my theory the carpet washer collected  sand. Now I know that there is sand in the flat, it is a consequence of living so close to the beach, but I had just vacuumed! Somebody is lying to me, either the Dyson super cyclone monster is missing something or the Vax carpet scrubber is making up the residue. My money is on them both lying and I think that it all started when the world went clear. What was the reason that all vacuum cleaners started getting clear bins? Why was it that the manufacturers thought we wanted to look at the dirt, like our own miniature ant farm? They didn’t but they knew that if we had clear bins we would see the ‘dirt’ and convince ourselves of the need to clean more often, its all a fix!

Mark my words sooner or later there will be an expose in the Sunday newspapers about carpet cleaners that sell us a solution that goes grey on contact with water and vacuum cleaners that come pre loaded with dirt to make it look like they are working.

For those following the other project the current number is 11,488

Ninja warnings or nature’s sat nav?

I have developed ninja style skills with the Dyson, my weapon of choice. I stalk my flat silently and with deathly stealth. My prey remain unaware of their impending demise until they are vacuumed into their prison. The prey that I stalk? Flies, a seasonal distraction for those that live so close to the sea.

I have now honed my skills to the point that I can watch the fly as it’s wings are drawn towards the cleaner. Balancing the gap just right allows the victim to cling on until the pulling air annoys it too much. When they release their grip on the surface they realise too late the power of the air stream. The decision over direction of flight is not theirs to make, it’s mine. In a blink they are transported to the enclosed environment of the dust bin.

As you can tell flies are an emotive subject in my flat, often driving me to distraction. But flies are part of a bigger tableaux of nature and it would seem wise not to forget that. On Sunday morning I was busy sorting domestic chores and wandering around the flat. As I left the living room I stopped and did a double take, something had caught my eye. There, standing on my sofa, was a sea gull.

I reversed slowly into the room wondering what the etiquette for such a situation is. I dismissed the Dyson as an inadequate defence to a full grown bird and started to ponder alternatives. The thought of scaring the thing was equally quickly dismissed, make no mistake I have seen the fire power of these beasts. I am certainly no Dr Dolittle but I am pretty sure that we shared a similar chain of thought. I looked at the bird and wondered why it was there and I think the bird was trying to answer the same question.

After what seemed a few minutes, but was probably only tens of seconds, the bird realised it’s error and departed. As a house ‘guest’ it was not impolite, leaving just a couple of feathers behind. Was this some angry big brother of the flying world? Had it come to warn me that my campaign against its smaller cousin had not gone unnoticed? Perhaps but I doubt it, after all birds and the like are in Mother Nature’s domain not the spiteful Ms Nature.