Tea, rules and family

Its ok guys its a pub post! So I guess by now that you know that this is not just me, the Plough family runs deep and its not just staff its friends and well its just our crew.

So tonight I heard the words that I hate to hear come up the stairs “pubs full of c*nts”. I make no apologies for the use of ‘that’ word because we are not sexist here and one thing the Plough loves is that word. So what do you do when your home is invaded by wronguns? Firstly you need a wingman and god bless him I have the very best in Nick.

Then you need a good cup of tea, every drunk loses pace when faced with good old tea. Finally you need that most elusive of things, a reason. I will never bar a man for being him I need a reason, its old school, its not easy but its how we roll.

So we found our reason and there was some grudging understanding that we had come to the end of a three year journey. Next up we have to make a call, is it done and go or is it finish up and go well I will be honest here, I am never sure. So we took the latter version, not an easy choice and I thank every person who stuck with us. The drink refusal fell on one of the worst of a group, we knew this but the rules are there.

Neither me nor any member of the Plough family will allow what we have achieved to fall for the sake of a conversation, we don’t ever fold. If you remember pikey gate then you will know that this pub never changes its position, we are more solid than the Bank of England.

So tonight, again, we have persevered, we have won out, we have succeeded and the pub is a better place for it. Do not for one minute think that it is easy, we may make it look easy but we fight hard for what we are and we always will. Once again I am immensely proud of what we are and it shows that we are here for the long haul, there isn’t a #teamplough we will always be #ploughfamily

To speak to people who have brought their friends to the pub tonight and hear how the hour of shit doesn’t bother them, how they understand that it happens, that is worth the world. The brilliant shitadvisor reviews, the happy faces, the fact that WE own this pub that is what still makes me shiver. I am but an old man, I have had my time and am seeing out my years but I am so proud of OUR Plough. Never let anyone tell you that this is not our place, we did this, we do this and we are this and I am only the lucky caretaker (2 doors) and the accountant.

Thank you for sticking with us. Never think we don’t have this under control (only I can think that)  we are all over this and we always will be because we are Plough family.

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The politics of Dads and dung powered computers

I read today that the combined might of the US and UK government may have cracked the encryption that we all rely on for internet security. The story goes on to tell us that this is the final part of a program to bully and coerce access from commercial providers. In short this cracks the ones that wouldn’t tell. Obviously this has been met by outrage from the liberals shouting “big brother” and advocating a return to carrier pigeons but I think that they have missed the point. There were a couple of areas listed where this particular encryption was prominent and the first was banking. Before you start stuffing cash under your mattress stop and think, do the government care? There is no need for them to hack into your online bank account, they already know what you earn and how precious little they allow you to keep. The government has known this since the Romans, they don’t need high-tech hackers just the HMRC.

The second area noted was Facebook and this shows that the country is run by morons. For the protection of our safety and security they have spent billions finding a way into Facebook so that they can see what we are saying. I can imagine the scene in GCHQ when they first cracked it and realised that it was a ‘like’ button not a ‘bomb’ button! Do they really think that the terrorists are all on Facebook explaining their wicked schemes whilst sharing pictures of their dinner? Have they ever logged on to Facebook? Perhaps the theory is that Osama wasn’t rallying against the west but his ire was in fact directed at Candy Crush invites. I still struggle with the idea that this one beardy weirdy controlled a huge network of terrorists using electronic communication. Did you see where they found him? Unless the Taliban equivalent of James Bond’s M was a bloody genius that really was a basic hovel in a dust blown third world country. The last time I checked you couldn’t power the interweb from chicken feet and cow dung.

This is the general problem with governments you see, they are un by your dad. Think about it for a moment and you will realise that its true. Your dad doesn’t understand Facebook and is scared of the interweb right? the same is true of the halfwits running the country. Why do big corporations get away with paying no tax? because, like your dad, ministers think the big boys play it straight. This is why government websites are a joke, because the ten-year old geek comes up with a winner and then dad overrules him. The reason that the parliament appears to make decisions that are totally at odds with public opinion? dad knows best of course. As if to seal the deal I read news that the government are increasing aid to Syria today. Last week I heard the first decision from parliament in my living memory that seemed to reflect what people wanted, we were not going to go and start another war. The biggest reasons that people didn’t want a war were that the army is stretched (shhh it’s a secret), wherever we fight we get rewarded with immigrants and suicide bombers, we don’t holiday in Syria and well were kinda broke. So dad got voted down by the other dads  who had been pestered by their ‘kids’. But then, in true dad style, he came back and did exactly what we didn’t want another way. Anyway I am off to delete all the pictures of my dinner off Facebook before the government find out what I eat!

 

 

Weed killing and short sightedness

I feel somewhat vindicated in writing this post because the friend that prompted it knew it was coming. One thing that really frustrates me in the younger, and to a certain extent, older generation is lack of ambition. I think that this is a UK thing rather than a global phenomenon, well I hope so at least. This is one of the reasons I am so eager to support happy young families that are working hard for their future, I was brought up that way. Too often I hear that “if only I could” or “if I had been born there” and of course the old faithful “it’s OK for them”. I have been lucky to travel all over the world, I have seen that there are indeed much better lifestyles out there for those that are willing to put the effort in and go and find them.

I find that I am unable to leave these inane discussions without injecting some facts. The people who idly tell me that in a few years they may move to Australia invariably get reminded that Australia does not, unlike the UK,  have an open door to the uneducated and workshy. Don’t misunderstand me I encourage anyone and everyone to make a move and go and do what excites them. I have some obligations to resolve at the moment but when I have I assure you I shall be following my own advice (after all it is good advice). The US, Australia and Canada are often seen in the UK, by those less socially aware, as the land of milk and honey. I concluded a long time ago that this is due to space. The UK you see is extremely overcrowded, this drives up real estate prices and drives down the size of homes and land.

So when the huge number of ‘sofa explorers’ in the UK view exported TV shows it is obvious that life is wonderful in these countries. The domestic dwellings that barely squeeze onto the screen would be out of the reach of all but the most wealthy in this country. If you have never travelled further than the grocery store or the unemployment office it is easy to conclude that these countries are simply lucky and all inhabitants are wealthy. One of my roles in life is to dispel this myth whenever it is voiced by an uneducated spokesperson.

In actual fact people living in these countries are lucky, they are lucky that their countries havent been completely over populated by ill thought out political policies. They are lucky that they have such wonderful open spaces and countryside to explore and enjoy. An argument often put forward by my fellow countrymen is that ‘they couldnt afford that in the UK because of tax’. I love this debate because I set out the regional and federal tax rates, the sales taxes, school taxes etc. In truth the UK, whilst the birth place of stealth tax, is not significantly higher taxed than any developed country. If you wantto experience these lifestyles please do but be sure to take something to add to your new country or you won’t be there long.

So when Andre told me that he had finished the work on his house and now has “for a family of 4, we now have 4 toilets, 3 showers, 2 baths, 4 bathroom sinks” was I jealous? Of course I was, I was green with envy. But I don’t consider this fate, luck or even that bloody Ms Nature, this is choice and hard work, any of us can do it we just need to stop moaning and start changing.  Andre has progressed from his own childhood where a family of 5 shared one bath/shower because of his natural drive to improve his lot. That is what I am actually jealous of, the desire to better oneself which I rarely see in my own country.

For those of you that don’t know Andre I have included a picture of him killing weeds at the end of this post.  I think that standing outside killing weeds for three days solid just to get on google street view is excessive but like I said the man has drive. There are two technical notes on this story; the first is that I have deleted the address from the screen dump for privacy reasons, the second is just to confirm that Andre is not wealthy.

Whilst on the subject of other countries I have to share the conversation that Joe recounted when he went to an Australian jobs fair in London. Joe was looking to emigrate with his family and his skills and eduction meant the door was well and truly open so this was a research trip.

J – So how are you dealing with climate change?

Australian Representative – How do you mean?

J – Well you’re a desert country with a growing population

AR – Oh, don’t worry there is lots of space

J – Yeah I know that but what about water?

AR – Oh don’t worry sir, we have the best technology in the world we can deliver enough water to run everything, hell we even have sprinklers to keep the lawns green

J – Yes but a lot of that is from reverse osmosis, the output of which is not salt but brine

AR – (feeling a little out of his depth) but sir we take the salt out of sea water and there is loads of that

J – But you put the brine back in the ocean so eventually you wont be able to RO anymore

AR – Oh I see sir, don’t worry technology is always changing. Even if we were to continue with RO as the sole source, which it is not, it would be over a thousand years before there was problem

J  – I  am talking about emigrating with my family, my children and grandchildren living in your country. How can I consider that when you have no long-term plans, this is a disgrace.

Joe stormed off, genuinely perplexed at the lack of forward planning of a nation. I often wonder what the Australian wrote on his feedback for that discussion.

As promised, weed killer extrodinaire:

Food vs Man

Much is being made in the press of late about our confused relationship with food and this is specifically targeted at the British. Apparently because we don’t all sit down to family meals or labour as much love on food preparation as some other nations we consume more calorific foods and therefore will all die. I actually agree with this position and I think you would be hard pressed to disagree with it if you watched the mindless McGrazing on the average high street where thousands of calories are digested simply because they are available.

I do take issue with the presumption that this is a British issue or that we are somehow worse at it. I say this as a man who has a pack of US ‘pay day’ bars in my bag, there’s not enough calories in nuts so we added caramel! This is a nation that put bacon pieces in sliced cheese to give it a little something extra, don’t misunderstand me I love the US and its people but they are adept at pushing the boundaries when it comes to packing the calories in.

Part of the trouble with the UK is we are still suffering from a sort of collective wartime memory. We are taught from a young age to finish our food and ‘clear our plate’ yet modern wealth encourages us to super size and overload our plates. This also affects food choices which are still, to some degree, based on the logic of rationing, look at the foods that we consider healthy and they are just not appropriate to the modern day. Take milk, your mother told you that this was good for you but science tells us that its fattening, no shit Sherlock! look at a cow, they are huge and heavy and this is what cows milk makes, baby cows grow into big cows drinking this stuff. But that’s not enough for us, we have concentrated this calorie rich food stuff in order that we can consume more with less effort, butter and cheese are concentrated baby cow food, fattening? well there’s a thought.

Its true of so many of our foods, where once nature made us work for its goodies now machines take us right to the good bit. As an example go and buy a bag of Brazil nuts, they come shelled and ready to shovel down by the handful. Is this what nature intended? No of course not, the nut grows high up, so there is climbing involved and it comes in a shell that’s as tough as teak. Without tools you would be lucky to get one Brazil nut out of its high security shell before you keeled over with a coronary, I’m telling you these things were only worth the effort if you were starving.

This is where our relationship with food went wrong, we stopped getting it at source. If you had to catch, slaughter and process a cow everytime you wanted a burger you would eat less and spend more energy eating what you did. I saw a report the other day that said that eggs were fattening, I am no biologist but I do believe that an egg is, to all intents and purposes, the raw material that not only creates but feeds a small chicken.

The governments answer to all of this is better labelling, a new traffic light system with clearer guidelines to assist our choice. I propose that we make it far simpler, let’s try honest labelling and see how that goes. Some examples:

Burgers should have a picture of a bull with the caption ‘Could you catch your own?’

Milk should have a picture of a baby cow and a fully grown one, we can add the caption ‘turns this into this’. We can do the same with cheese but repeat the image 5 times with the line ‘this but concentrated’

The vegetarians will have you believe that eating meat is the problem, it is not, and even if it was vegetarianism is not the solution. I don’t say this based on preference or taste but on pure science, allow me to explain. If you exist solely on vegetables then the food chain becomes an ever decreasing circle, crops are grown in dung which is a nice way of saying effluent now I have nothing against this but it is obvious that if you only eat that which has taken its nutrients from your waste then you will be able to return less nutrients. The circle will tighten until there is insufficient nutrients in your waste to feed your food and you will die of that most natural of causes ‘stupidity’.

Perhaps this is why dogs are happy with different coloured bone shaped biscuits, their superior knowledge is allowing them to adjust their diet in preparation for world domination.