The stupid ones come first, it’s all in the preparation ..

Am I becoming more pedantic or are the news agencies becoming lest strict when vetting their stories? Like a grumpy old man I am finding that some news articles grate on me with a level of annoyance that I find hard to justify. Some recent examples that you may recognise:

• During the Christmas Eve travel chaos in the UK there were repeated scenes where a studio cut to “their reporter on the scene”. A pristine looking reporter would then describe what they saw as the camera panned “these people have been listening to announcements all day”, how is that news? We look to the news agencies to provide us information, when there is travel chaos I know that all of the terminals will be full of people waiting for information that does not count as news!
• Some idiot started a small fire on a ferry which subsequently had to return to dock. All very dramatised by the press, but I accept that is their job, and lots of coverage. There were hundreds on board so how long did it take the press to find Mrs Bell who said “I think I will stay in the UK from now on, it’s a lot safer”. This woman had gone on holiday with her husband and we can only hope that is the entire extent of their gene pool. They went on a weekend break to Holland, some drunks set fire to a duvet and for that she has condemned the rest of the planet as uncivilised and dangerous! New York? Vienna? hell no that’s just Syria by another name for Mrs Bell.
• The final one, of many, is the revelation that painkillers have been found in ice cream manufactured by the biggest manufacturer in Europe. The pain killers were found, still in their tablet form, inside wrapped ice cream cones so we clearly need an ‘expert’. Our expert tells us that this “looks like a case of contamination” well I checked the ingredients and it doesn’t list painkillers so that’s a pretty safe bet. There were two tablets found, one each in two separate cones, the expert thinks this may have been deliberate, clearly he is an expert in stupidity then. This is obviously somebody that has dropped a couple of pills by accident and either been unaware or too scared to stop the line. If you are trying to poison people it is accepted good practice to crush the poison especially if you are hiding it in something soft like ice cream! Two contaminated items from such a huge supplier lends itself to accident rather than malicious and it was paracetamol, surely a simple peanut would have been more devastating if the intent was malicious?

I don’t know if it is the multiple news sources all fighting for the same story or it is a feature of the instant availability of news that we have today but it is definitely losing its value. During the travel ‘chaos’, they are delays unless it is Christmas Eve, we were faced with television screens full of idiots demonstrating that were idiots. Let me be clear it is not the fault of the public, we knew they were idiots that’s why they are public! It is the idiot that, employed to seek out newsworthy quotes, stuffs a roaming microphone randomly at these buffoons. “We’re just like trying to get home for Christmas” and there’s me thinking that you had headed out early for Easter! “I don’t want to spend all night here” oh no, quick summon assistance there is someone in the throng of bodies at check in that didn’t intend to spend 24 hours here!

When I was younger the news was full of insightful information and explanations. Whilst these poor people were eating the weak  and setting fire to belongings to stay warm at Heathrow a suited newscaster would explain the weather trends and the fact that it was all Coca Cola’s fault, we learnt something that was the point. Is it perhaps that I have now reached an age where they can teach me no more? I don’t mean that I know everything I mean that I have reached an age where I can see through the well scripted news readers and realise that they don’t know any more than I do.

I think that the news studios are more cunning than that, or perhaps they are cleverly aligned with other state departments, they are preparing for the zombie invasion. When the living dead are roaming our towns the reporters will be dispatched and we will be fed a series of inane and moronic statements from roaming hoards of flesh eaters. To us at home it will be business as normal, we will watch the news and then pop out shopping thereby feeding the growing army of the living dead. They are conditioning us to see morons on the streets, the next step will be the worsening make up and then the scuffles in the back ground, by my predictions we will see this in the New Year’s Eve coverage. Slowly but surely they are conditioning us so that the invasion is not a shock, I’m off to polish my zombie bat……

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Keep the sand bags we need more tape

Some of you may have heard that we had a bit of a high tide over night or as the press like to call it ‘devastating flooding’. There are several things that one can learn from observing the reactions to this weather and I’m always up for sharing observations as you know.

There was an outpouring of anger from people on public transport that the UK “falls to bits at the first sign of weather” and the normal complaint “why can’t we be more like other countries”. This stems from a couple of English traits, the first is that we are self-effacing and the second is that we have a death wish. We can’t comment on the fact that in the UK we wouldn’t think of having the day off because of something daft like 100 MPH + winds because we are too hard-working, oh no. Highest tide for 60 years and severe flood warnings (that is defined as significant risk to life by the way) “pass my umbrella the stationary order wont write itself”. The truth is that we are all mad, when I speak to friends in the US they can’t understand us because they have been brought up to stay home unless it’s essential, hence less traffic, hence less chaos. So yes other countries are better prepared but only because they stay at home and don’t race to the office like lemmings shouting “it’s only rain”.

Then there is the bizarre need to punish ourselves at every opportunity for the fact that hundreds of years ago we may have had a bit of a colony. This was seen in the press, or rather the uniquely English press. Yesterday they filled the airwaves with dire warnings, evacuation plans and pictures of the 1953 floods captioned “it will be worse than this”. Well at 3 am I kinda wanted to know whether boots were appropriate for the trip home or whether I needed a boat. Where did I turn? why to our most hated public service broadcaster, funded by a punitive tax to provide this type of information. The television was on from 3 am to 4 am and I learnt nothing, except that Africans dance a lot when somebody they like dies. Mandela died at 9pm UK time, I know this because they stopped all television to alert us to the fact that an old man who has been trying to die for some time had finally achieved it. Don’t misunderstand me I am sure that this is a very important thing to a lot of people but showing it for an hour on the main news channel won’t change it, showing my personal possessions floating down the street would have changed my travel plans!

I have never seen an entire hour of the news devoted to a single subject and certainly one that is not active. A death is a single event it is not a fire or a flood it doesn’t develop and so it is not suited to extended news coverage. The reporters seemed intent on showing dancing Africans, state visits and well frankly anybody that had ever shaken the mans hand. We got such brilliant insights as “the family were summoned to the hospital and we thought something was wrong” he was terminally ill not bloody pregnant, what did you think had happened? I also heard a reporter honestly say “Although he had gone to the hospital to live out his last days we still didn’t think he would die” I hope that fella doesn’t get a pet or he will need counselling, in the entire history of the human race death has always been a certainty. But the problem is that it involves the whole South Africa thing, former colony and all that so we have to go mad.

Of course the real heroes of these acts of nature are the health and safety loons, no I got that all wrong didn’t I? Once again the magic red and white tape has filled in any gaps in common sense that may exist. So far my favourite is the application of a robust line of said tape across the entrance to a flooded pier. Now you can spot a pier, it is a wooden or concrete structure that extends out into the ocean but remains above the tide and dry. It’s a pretty simple concept and that means it is fairly easy to spot a problem with it. When you cannot see the pier because of water something is wrong, a bit like if you see a horse laying on its back with its feet in the air, that’s not going to be your ride home. All along the promenade people are wise enough to realise that they cannot simply step out into the ocean, but what if they mistakenly walk onto the pier and its flooded? I guess it’s easy to make that mistake when you are out for a stroll along a pier at midnight in a vicious storm but don’t fear, the health and safety tape will save the day.

Finally there is my favourite observation, coastal residents are a mad breed, hardy but mad. So when the emergency services are rescuing cats and workers are out shifting felled trees what do those nearest the ocean do? these are the people in those severe flood warning zones remember. I will tell you what they do, they go the beach and watch, you may see floods and storms and the almighty power of nature but we see the ocean and well it’s just there isn’t it? it’s a friend, a comforter and it’s what listens to our dreams, worries and secrets it wouldn’t turn on us would it? Of course not, now if it was in the tourist season that would be a different matter because come on, we all get annoyed with them sometimes don’t we?

For those that are not in the UK or don’t live by the coast the photographs below should give a little context.

 

Zombies, drowning radio and folding bread

I am on record as saying that, in the UK, home delivery grocery shopping is like playing Russian roulette with your dinner, this week was no exception. My order arrived late with, what seems to be the obligatory, insane substitutions. I rejected some of the substitutes but did keep a couple and those provided a further insight into the autonomous working of those that select the items. There were two bottles of single malt whiskey called up on my list, two different brands. The first one was not in stock and so was substituted, the same thing with the second. Now for the riddle, I had two substitutions yet I received one of my original selections how did I manage that?

The first item was substituted by what must have been the last remaining bottle of the second selection. So having substituted line one for line two there was no line two available. Since the grocery store has a rule that you never pay more for substitutions I actually came out £5 up on the transaction. It was just as well that there was some malt on the order though as I needed something to sedate my stomach after eating the bread that was delivered. I guess that I should have realised that something was wrong when my “large bloomer” folded in half as I picked it up! My inherent desire to make things work coupled with my hunger led me to toast the odd bread, again a clue should have been when it compressed to the height of a slice whilst trying to cut it. When I tasted the result it would appear that the ‘baker’ used a sweet dough and I am not entirely sure it was baked, I think that the crust may have been drawn on.

I am wondering if the grocery store is operated by a team of zombies, is that why they want us to shop from home. They need a few humans through the door to feed the staff so probably ten times that number, to hide the fact that not everyone comes out. But they can’t have us all shopping in store or they risk the zombie/shopper balance moving in favour of the zombies. Now your zombie is a low cost worker but they make a terrible consumer, we’ve all seen the movies haven’t we? Whilst they are good at queuing, what with the slow shuffling gait and generally low attention span, they are hardly a discerning shopper. Your average zombie couldn’t care less about brands, L’Oreal or MaxFactor it’s just getting liberally wiped over their face. You can’t up sell your sun ripened on the vine tomatoes to a flesh-eating member of the living dead; their not quality conscious it would be like putting real food in Iceland, pointless. I have to say that if they are trying to preserve us by getting us to shop from home, and therefore not coming into contact with their zombie hoards, they could make more of an effort!

I can confirm that I am still impressed by my mood light, although it hasn’t got a colour to match my mood, but my digital radio isn’t. I am afraid that we were sold a pup with digital radio, it just isn’t what they said. This was the new era, interference free and a greater selection of channels, why on earth would you want to stick with FM? The answer of course is simple, FM works! I get an FM signal when my digital stations sound as if they are being drowned, when the digital tuner says “no stations available” the FM is fine. I do like some of the digital stations, after all I am of an age when Absolute 90’s seems modern, but huge choice? I don’t think so. I have tried listening to “Data Test 1” through to 10 and they are silent, the religious channels are too much for me I like my fiction on the Kindle. Anything that starts with “Al-” is a definite no because it is probably running subliminal messages to turn me into a terrorist. Take it from ne digital radio is a con, you get the same result from taking an FM radio and throwing it into a bath.

In other news, following some debate with the gods of MS formatting, I have updated the other project. As you know I had set myself a 25K target before I put anything up and then promptly got so busy that I didn’t get the time. Interestingly 25K is well into a novella according to Wikipedia, having surpassed ‘short story’ and ‘novelette’ any of you ladies that want to take a peak please follow this link (http://wp.me/p42Hoq-b) and be sure to check back regularly. I would just like to say to Max, you told me to! and to Barbie, Pete is no more!

The luxury of drunken flowers

Early morning walks to work give the opportunity to observe life before it fully awakens. In one example this week watching the bin men leap from their truck to enter an underground car park yesterday gave me a giggle. The residents of this block of expensive flats doubtless sleep secure knowing that their cars are secured by a steel roller gate. In one of those oddities of life the pavement opposite the luxury flats is a favourite haunt of drunks and littered with cheap booze cans and bottles. I have no idea how this happens but luxury and poverty intertwine like dogs and fleas I guess this explained the roller shutter though.

My early morning bin men were not readily defeated by this secure gate which is rather odd considering they are regularly defeated by wheelie bins that don’t have the lid shut! Did they have a tradesmen’s key, well yes of a sort. Off leapt one man with two broom handles taped together, having passed the ‘key’ through the gate a few stabs resulted in contact with the button and up went the roller. For any H&S readers I should point out that he withdrew the broom handle without garrotting, broken bones, splinters or cramp. Having observed this I walked off chuckling wondering if the residents had a clue as to how close they were to being ‘overrun’ by the drunks. If they could master the co-ordination to attach two broom handles they could enter the relative warmth of the underground garage. I guess the steel gate could be replaced by a thin beam, a chicane or voice command since its only real protection is based on the absence of motor skills in drunks.

Another observation, and one that I have made before, is the lack of respect for property that comes from welfare. There are, certainly in the UK, a large number of people who live in housing provided by the state but this is often through private rental agreements. There is regular uproar in our press about how the vicious, capitalist landlords are distorting the market by sucking money from the welfare system. I would like to take a different perspective on this aided by observation. I purchased my first house at 19, it was a huge struggle. Now I appreciate the value of a property and would seek to preserve and increase its value wherever possible.

One of the problems with the welfare system is that we introduce people into a virtual property ladder. As families grow and funding is increased so new property is found. This takes years of effort and work in the real world but has no associated value in the welfare world. The result is that we have people who don’t appreciate the value of the property they reside in; their home has no effort associated with it. I noticed this sometime ago when my ex-wife painted the family home pink with flowers. The exercise in painting was at a level you would associate with a child painting a tree house. Walking around in the early morning I see many houses that have suffered the same fate, they look like a child’s project. Odd gardens and ill thought out design decisions make me wince, all the result of the residents having no financial connection with the property.

I rent my property now and have done for some years. As a tenant I treat the property with the same respect that I would if I was the owner. I maintain the property and repair issues as they arise in the same manner as I would if I owned it. The only difference as a tenant is that I don’t undertake capital investment, but then why would I when it is not my asset that would be improved. When you read that the landlords of these properties are ripping off the state or are manipulating the housing market don’t be misled. Think of handing the keys of your castle, your investment to a drunken 12-year-old, this is not an act of social charity more likely it is an act of commercial roulette.

The politics of Dads and dung powered computers

I read today that the combined might of the US and UK government may have cracked the encryption that we all rely on for internet security. The story goes on to tell us that this is the final part of a program to bully and coerce access from commercial providers. In short this cracks the ones that wouldn’t tell. Obviously this has been met by outrage from the liberals shouting “big brother” and advocating a return to carrier pigeons but I think that they have missed the point. There were a couple of areas listed where this particular encryption was prominent and the first was banking. Before you start stuffing cash under your mattress stop and think, do the government care? There is no need for them to hack into your online bank account, they already know what you earn and how precious little they allow you to keep. The government has known this since the Romans, they don’t need high-tech hackers just the HMRC.

The second area noted was Facebook and this shows that the country is run by morons. For the protection of our safety and security they have spent billions finding a way into Facebook so that they can see what we are saying. I can imagine the scene in GCHQ when they first cracked it and realised that it was a ‘like’ button not a ‘bomb’ button! Do they really think that the terrorists are all on Facebook explaining their wicked schemes whilst sharing pictures of their dinner? Have they ever logged on to Facebook? Perhaps the theory is that Osama wasn’t rallying against the west but his ire was in fact directed at Candy Crush invites. I still struggle with the idea that this one beardy weirdy controlled a huge network of terrorists using electronic communication. Did you see where they found him? Unless the Taliban equivalent of James Bond’s M was a bloody genius that really was a basic hovel in a dust blown third world country. The last time I checked you couldn’t power the interweb from chicken feet and cow dung.

This is the general problem with governments you see, they are un by your dad. Think about it for a moment and you will realise that its true. Your dad doesn’t understand Facebook and is scared of the interweb right? the same is true of the halfwits running the country. Why do big corporations get away with paying no tax? because, like your dad, ministers think the big boys play it straight. This is why government websites are a joke, because the ten-year old geek comes up with a winner and then dad overrules him. The reason that the parliament appears to make decisions that are totally at odds with public opinion? dad knows best of course. As if to seal the deal I read news that the government are increasing aid to Syria today. Last week I heard the first decision from parliament in my living memory that seemed to reflect what people wanted, we were not going to go and start another war. The biggest reasons that people didn’t want a war were that the army is stretched (shhh it’s a secret), wherever we fight we get rewarded with immigrants and suicide bombers, we don’t holiday in Syria and well were kinda broke. So dad got voted down by the other dads  who had been pestered by their ‘kids’. But then, in true dad style, he came back and did exactly what we didn’t want another way. Anyway I am off to delete all the pictures of my dinner off Facebook before the government find out what I eat!

 

 

Weed killing and short sightedness

I feel somewhat vindicated in writing this post because the friend that prompted it knew it was coming. One thing that really frustrates me in the younger, and to a certain extent, older generation is lack of ambition. I think that this is a UK thing rather than a global phenomenon, well I hope so at least. This is one of the reasons I am so eager to support happy young families that are working hard for their future, I was brought up that way. Too often I hear that “if only I could” or “if I had been born there” and of course the old faithful “it’s OK for them”. I have been lucky to travel all over the world, I have seen that there are indeed much better lifestyles out there for those that are willing to put the effort in and go and find them.

I find that I am unable to leave these inane discussions without injecting some facts. The people who idly tell me that in a few years they may move to Australia invariably get reminded that Australia does not, unlike the UK,  have an open door to the uneducated and workshy. Don’t misunderstand me I encourage anyone and everyone to make a move and go and do what excites them. I have some obligations to resolve at the moment but when I have I assure you I shall be following my own advice (after all it is good advice). The US, Australia and Canada are often seen in the UK, by those less socially aware, as the land of milk and honey. I concluded a long time ago that this is due to space. The UK you see is extremely overcrowded, this drives up real estate prices and drives down the size of homes and land.

So when the huge number of ‘sofa explorers’ in the UK view exported TV shows it is obvious that life is wonderful in these countries. The domestic dwellings that barely squeeze onto the screen would be out of the reach of all but the most wealthy in this country. If you have never travelled further than the grocery store or the unemployment office it is easy to conclude that these countries are simply lucky and all inhabitants are wealthy. One of my roles in life is to dispel this myth whenever it is voiced by an uneducated spokesperson.

In actual fact people living in these countries are lucky, they are lucky that their countries havent been completely over populated by ill thought out political policies. They are lucky that they have such wonderful open spaces and countryside to explore and enjoy. An argument often put forward by my fellow countrymen is that ‘they couldnt afford that in the UK because of tax’. I love this debate because I set out the regional and federal tax rates, the sales taxes, school taxes etc. In truth the UK, whilst the birth place of stealth tax, is not significantly higher taxed than any developed country. If you wantto experience these lifestyles please do but be sure to take something to add to your new country or you won’t be there long.

So when Andre told me that he had finished the work on his house and now has “for a family of 4, we now have 4 toilets, 3 showers, 2 baths, 4 bathroom sinks” was I jealous? Of course I was, I was green with envy. But I don’t consider this fate, luck or even that bloody Ms Nature, this is choice and hard work, any of us can do it we just need to stop moaning and start changing.  Andre has progressed from his own childhood where a family of 5 shared one bath/shower because of his natural drive to improve his lot. That is what I am actually jealous of, the desire to better oneself which I rarely see in my own country.

For those of you that don’t know Andre I have included a picture of him killing weeds at the end of this post.  I think that standing outside killing weeds for three days solid just to get on google street view is excessive but like I said the man has drive. There are two technical notes on this story; the first is that I have deleted the address from the screen dump for privacy reasons, the second is just to confirm that Andre is not wealthy.

Whilst on the subject of other countries I have to share the conversation that Joe recounted when he went to an Australian jobs fair in London. Joe was looking to emigrate with his family and his skills and eduction meant the door was well and truly open so this was a research trip.

J – So how are you dealing with climate change?

Australian Representative – How do you mean?

J – Well you’re a desert country with a growing population

AR – Oh, don’t worry there is lots of space

J – Yeah I know that but what about water?

AR – Oh don’t worry sir, we have the best technology in the world we can deliver enough water to run everything, hell we even have sprinklers to keep the lawns green

J – Yes but a lot of that is from reverse osmosis, the output of which is not salt but brine

AR – (feeling a little out of his depth) but sir we take the salt out of sea water and there is loads of that

J – But you put the brine back in the ocean so eventually you wont be able to RO anymore

AR – Oh I see sir, don’t worry technology is always changing. Even if we were to continue with RO as the sole source, which it is not, it would be over a thousand years before there was problem

J  – I  am talking about emigrating with my family, my children and grandchildren living in your country. How can I consider that when you have no long-term plans, this is a disgrace.

Joe stormed off, genuinely perplexed at the lack of forward planning of a nation. I often wonder what the Australian wrote on his feedback for that discussion.

As promised, weed killer extrodinaire:

Planning and Preparation….

We are being told in the UK that it will snow over the next few days and this has caused me to consider the annual question of ‘why do other countries cope when snow makes the UK grind to a stand?’

Now the answer is clearly not in the snow its all, broadly, similar stuff and this from a man involved in British Rail’s now famous “wrong type of snow” episode. In real terms the snow falling here will be the same as that across the globe, if a little lighter. So why does this country come to a stand annually at the sight of snow?

There is an argument to say that the sight of white stuff falling from the sky is such an amazing sight that we lose the ability to operate normally, I can’t see this though as snow generally falls annually and that is 4 times as frequent as elections and we manage to treat the later with complete ambivalence.

It strikes me that there are a number of reasons why we can’t cope with snow, perhaps you can think of more?

Planning – quite simply we don’t, not at all. The only activity that passes for preparedness in this country is ensuring that your phone is charged so that you can update the local radio station, twitter and Facebook with flake by flake reports. As generations have listened to forecasts that are incorrect so they feel some duty to accurately report what is happening when it snows, the cell companies must love this time of year.

Budgets – the local authorities that should be planning for weather have to listen to the same vague forecasts that we all receive which doesn’t help,but neither does the fact that central government’s involvement is strictly restricted to criticising local authorities when they get it wrong!

Budgets are stretched, by the time they have brought all the solid gold letter openers, cigars and mink coats for the office cats there is barely enough left over to cover doing anything useful. So what is council A to do? It’s like roulette, do they stockpile salt and buy a few snow ploughs or do they reserve the money to paint a fence or two? If they guess wrong they are screwed, when Mrs Miggins calls to complain that her dimwitted son couldn’t find his way out of the park because the fence wasn’t painted giving her 2 ton of salt won’t placate her!

And so, faced with such dizzying decisions, the council invariably takes the safe option and spends minimum on everything, throws some teak on the fire and lights another cigar!

Health and Safety – thankfully we have not yet reached the level of litigation that our American friends have, although we are trying to catch up, but we have something worse in ‘Health and Safety’.

I will give you an example of the madness of H&S, whilst travelling through Ipswich train station the other day I heard an announcement every ten minutes that “platforms may be wet due to adverse weather conditions”. Forgive me but I don’t believe rain counts as adverse until it reaches at least your knees! Rain is a frequent feature of our weather and it makes thing wet, yes even the floor so what hair brained idiot thought we needed telling? That will be H&S.

And so we have another quandary for the council, if you lay salt and it doesn’t melt away could someone slip on it? If you buy a snow plough then the operators need real life training so you have to send them to luxury hotels in Canada every 6 weeks for ‘snow recognition’ courses. You see the problem is that nature is not bound by H&S but people are, so 6′ snow drifts are safe but ice under them, and exposed when you clear the drift, is your fault. All in all its so much paperwork that its safer to throw some polished oak on the fire and break out the cognac.

The wars – yes the legacy of two world wars has an affect on how this small island copes with snow, well probably. You see in more sensible countries during the winter you shift your grocery list slightly to ensure that your larder has a longer shelf life, not in the UK, here we buy as normal until the very minute that snow settles.

When snow does fall panic ensues and its inspired by those that at the front of the shopping frenzy, the elderly! The elderly react like lightening, remembering rationing and the fact that snow bares a passing resemblance to a German air strike if you have cataracts, they charge to the shops. There is no fear of falling on the slippery roads as they clatter along with their walking frames, these are the terminator generation all titanium hip replacements and fuelled by cod liver oil, and they buy everything!

The stores are filling the shelves as fast as they can, managers are busy penning smug emails with titles like “regarding the over stock of creamed spinach past its date”. I have seriously been to the shop an hour after snowfall and been able to purchase nothing but a tin of artichoke hearts and a tub of ice cream! I don’t think this will die out with the older generation either because the British are conditioned to queuing, we join queues without a clue as to what is at the end because if people are queuing then not only is it good but its limited supply!

So the reason we can’t cope? It’s all just too difficult.