I have always loathed the whole courtship routine, the asking, the dating the whole nine yards, this is yet another reason why I am so resolutely single.
When you think about it what is the likelihood that you will meet your ‘true love’ in a bar or at a sporting event? In fact, given there are 7 billion people in the world what is the chance that you will even like a random stranger. Statistically speaking you are less likely to get on with a random stranger than you are to be murdered by them and turned into cottage pie.*
It just seems to me that a perfectly sensible approach to breeding and the survival of the species is somewhat ruined by the silly belief in this ethereal fantasy ‘love’.
But I haven’t manage to totally escape the whole courtship ritual and the crushing blow of rejection, if only it were that easy. For me it’s tradesmen and I can assure you it’s simply business! I have cajoled and sweet talked various trades into providing estimates and quotations only to be shunned at the last moment.
This is far worse than the spurned advances of my youth, each rejection hits harder than the last. Like some bizarrely charitable hooker I lure the trades in only to be left with cash and no work. How I yearn for the simplicity of ‘I’m washing my hair’ rather than ‘had a lot of work come in’.
We have all seen the advertisements for a well known deodorant which, according to my research, leaves a man fending off amorous advances is there a trades equivalent? If I splash a little creosote on or dab some cement behind my ears will I attract the attention of stonemasons and roofers?
Or, like some lovesick teen, am I destined to not meet ‘the one’**
*actual statistics were not used in this statement
**actually more than one, probably several
The world today is such a minefield, when did this happen? I was advised last night that there is a campaign to stop Tesco’s selling lads magazines because they objectify women, yes they specifically stated Tesco. Of course the debate was led by a couple of bearded dragons that could never have been objectified in their lives, but everyone is entitled to an opinion. The thing that struck me as odd is that a female model showing the latest X station or Playbox game is supposed to objectify women yet the semi naked footballers selling aftershave don’t do the same for men. If you are so worried about the objectification of people then surely it is better to start with a growing market such as semi naked males than an established market such as lads mags? In other words, lead by example. If you want to stop models selling games to pimply lads that rarely leave their bedroom then perhaps the Diet Coke ad needs a makeover?
This morning I was advised that we need to outlaw the airbrushing of models. Again the proponent was a women whose face, in close up, looked as rough as velcro. Of course we airbrush models, it makes them look even better and that is the idea. But what about the fat people? surely they are a reason for more airbrushing not less? The reason that they say that we have to make these changes is to protect the young, let me be clear here, it is not. The removal of all things beautiful is proposed by those that took an extra whack from the ugly stick, they are jealous people who have slunk into power. This is like me proposing that football or dancing is outlawed because, quite simply, I am rubbish at them. Leave the beautiful, or nearly beautiful people alone and go back to telling yourself that its “what’s on the inside that counts”.
As for the argument that you’re protecting the children I have to defer to an eloquent, pimply and overweight superstar from some show about teen virgins last night. When asked about porn he looked at the camera as if it was a 6-year-old and said that thinking porn was real life was like watching a movie and thinking that’s how life was. The lad summed it up rather well, kids are not stupid and if we have to ban good-looking people then we must also ban superman movies to prevent the youth thinking that they can fly. The reason he was a superstar incidentally was nothing to do with what he said but the fact that he deleted his porn stash live on TV and it was 0.97TB, what a collection he must look like a lopsided popeye!
Just to add to the confusion I purchased a packet of Rowntree Pic’n’ mix today. This is a product that has to have been sponsored by dentists, its like russian roulette without the gun! Essentially it is a selection of soft, chewy, teeth friendly sweets with a random sprinkle of a rock hard candy that is equivalent to chewing a pebble. I have no particular axe to grind with hard candy but, as I get older, I like to be notified that they are in the bag. These appear to have been frozen to make them especially hard and then randomly thrown in the bag. Like snipers they appear in the chewy delight and try to shatter rarely preserved porcelain. If you want to protect the young, if you want a campaign start with one to get a bloody warning on those sweets!