Sometimes the oddest conversations bring with them stunning, and unintended, observations. So amongst the ‘odds and sods’ accumulated in my many years of life are some pictures of my mother who died when I was 28 years of age. I was speaking to my one (of two) remaining sister and said that I would post them to her, that was a number of weeks ago and she brought it up recently so I duly apologised for not having done it (now all posted).
The odd thing, to me, was the emotion that my sister attached to photographs that she hasn’t seen yet. She actually couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to keep them… I pointed out that they are daft prints that will get skipped when I die so better with her now, she just couldn’t see it. Of course there is no reason why these pictures will be better off with my sister than me, there is 2 years between us and neither of our children really remember ‘grandma’ but the emotion in her means that is where they should be.
Now my sister, the kid I grew up with, noted during our discussion that I am the coldest person she has ever known. This, now adult woman, has never seen me leak emotion, I am a machine, emotion is not for me simply not what I do, to her I am ‘bro’ but I am as emotional as a rock. That is a big statement from someone who you have lived your childhood with, we grew up together we are true siblings. Of the two of us I am the only one who attended our other sisters funeral, I am also the only one named in her suicide note but hell I am worth it ( she said ” did it right this time gav”)
So this weird emotional shit gets me thinking… Am I really that odd? I don’t do emotion, it serves no purpose. If I cry now will it change my life? will the facts change?No I am here for my time and whatever presents itself needs to be dealt with.
We have a fixed time on this planet and when its done it is done, only an idiot would think differently. Religion and second chances are the luxury that sentient beings create to placate some weird conscience, any rational person can see its utter bollocks.
So to be sure, if I love you then I love you, I will look out for you and be here for you. You know who you are I do not love easily but I care for my few. Maybe I don’t love you, maybe I can’t love you but if I don’t then its still my intention so that’s ok right?
To be equally sure you should only stand next to me at a funeral if you are brave and fancy a fight. Dead people mean no more to me than pencil sharpeners I will take the piss because … well because I am alive and I can and because its what I do #hasnofilter
Am I free of emotion? Have I evolved out of humanity? nope I am just the guy that has spent a career partially mired in human bits. We are all pink and pointless on the inside its all meat it serves no great purpose we just tread water , we just kill time.
I have no idea what my sibling sees in me, pretty sure its not a lot.