The Fabulous Four go to London

So Tarquin, Matilda, Starfish and Sunbeam were relaxing in the sunshine in the grounds of the parents Oxford pile. Obviously they were allowed small gatherings despite this being contrary to the coronavirus rules because they ‘offset’ their gathering by extra clapping on Thursday.

Tarquin was lamenting the lack of festivals this year because of this ‘damn flu’. The whole crew agreed that if they couldn’t destroy at least one field this year, in the interests of getting back to nature, then the year would just be horrid. Just then an idea struck Sunbeam, well idea is a strong word perhaps ‘moment of lucidity’ is a better description “why don’t we go to London?”. Matilda explained that Sunbeam was being a silly vegan sausage, gatherings were banned because of the beer virus.

But Sunbeam was insistent after all a man that they have never met has died in a part of the world that they have never visited surely something had to be done? Tarquin pointed outed that the culprit had been arrested and charged but the group were having none of it, action was needed. After all they all identified with African Americans who were the spiritual brothers/sisters/unicorns, they just had to show support. They set about collecting vital supplies for the day trip and loaded their weed, Evian, Factor 50 (one can’t be too white) and plenty of power packs for their I phones, into the car and off they jolly well headed.

During the road trip they considered what the day would achieve and it was generally confirmed that it would be a jolly good outing and they would tell the Police they sucked. Matilda was very clear that all Police are fascist pigs, she knew this because Mungo in her spiritual awareness class told her that Police was a masculine word, the bastards. It was a beautiful day in the city and they had made good time on account of the rest of the country being pretty much in lock-down. Tarquin actually mentioned that protesting might be better than festivals, the weather was more reliable and there was no mud to ruin her Louis Vuitton.

As seasoned protesters they got straight into it, first things first get some selfies ideally with mean looking Police. Then it was pretty much down to calling all authority fascists whilst creating as many photo opportunities as possible. It was a crazy day and after a couple of joints Sunbeam really felt she was bonded with African Americans, slaves and ginger cats. At one point somebody got tired of shouting ‘down with the Police’ and started a chant of “What do we want” but it kinda fizzled out when nobody could work out what they wanted or even if they really wanted it now.

Starfish did a particularly good job of getting very close to the Police with her petite frame and blonde locks creating a great photo against a tired Policeman in body armour. Sunbeam said she was so brave to shout fascist scum right in the face of that big burly police officer and everybody was so proud. Starfish accepted the praise graciously and said it was all for the cause although she was a bit hazy on what the cause was and anyway she recognised the Police officer as the one who came out to her mum when she was mugged last year so it wasn’t like he was a stranger.

The heat started to get to Matilda and they had to take her to one of the waiting ambulances to get checked over. It was all really well organised just like a festival so there were plenty of people on hand to make sure they were all looked after and kept safe. The paramedics were all wearing masks, they said it was because of the virus but Tarquin pointed out it was man made and they were all fascist bastards. Sunbeam said they would give them an extra clap on Thursday and hoped that they broke free from the oppressive state soon, after all drugs were all corporate poison. They gave Matilda some glucose drink and paracetamol and while she cooled down she took the opportunity to explain that they were responsible for killing the dolphins and leprechauns because they used Styrofoam cups.

When they left the ambulance they decided to call it a day after all they had hundreds of pictures and there was a risk of getting a suntan if they stayed out too long. On the return to the car they took a short cut behind some stores and, out of the crowd, they realised that a man appeared to be following them. Tarquin picked up her pace a little when she realised that it was a black man following them, but realised that they were a little lost. Clutching her rape alarm in her pocket the brave Tarquin pulled her phone out and turned and confronted the pursuer. ‘I don’t know what you want’ she shouted ‘but I have dialled 999 on my phone and only have to press call’.

‘Easy’ said the man ‘I am just going home from work and my car is parked down here’. The group stood to one side to let the man pass with Tarquin’s finger hovering over the call button on her cell phone. As luck would have it their car was in the next street, they jumped in quick, hit the central locking and headed home. Tarquin was still uneasy about the man who had followed them and pointed out to the others that he didn’t look much  like he had just left work. Sunbeam said she thought that perhaps he may have been at the protest. ‘Oh, why would a black man be at a protest’ said Starfish and they all howled with laughter, that Sunbeam is such a silly vegan sausage!

 

Note: All characters are sadly not fictional but growing in numbers at an alarming rate!

If its not food don’t let them eat it

I fancied a snack the other day and so took a stroll to the local shop. There are times, you see, when you want a snack and not a hotel meal and to be honest I can rarely suffer hotel snacks (or their cost). I found some sort of meat product in the fridge and concluded that the addition of some form of bread roll and a packet of crisps would meet my needs. At the rear of the store I found various flat breads and chapatis (well I am in North London), loaves of bread and, finally, bread rolls. Obviously I had no use for a loaf of bread but a packet of 4 bread rolls was ideal. Having paid for my goods and wiped my hands clean of the grease transferred on my change due to the overweight storekeeper not wanting to take a break from his food,I set off to the hotel.

I should have known something was wrong when I struggled to open the bag of rolls. This was no mere plastic wrap, it was nuclear holocaust proof stuff. Gaining access was only the first half of the battle, when they pack things inside a ‘protective atmosphere’ it is not because it is fragile in fact the opposite is true. As I snapped a roll out of the four and cracked it open, yes those terms are accurate, I pondered what allows something to be called bread when it is so far from anything you would recognise. The bread had a very strange taste, it was dryer than leather and generally not a great experience. I managed a couple, they were the size of biscuits, and then gave up for fear that the ingredients were actually hazardous to my health.

What really got me thinking is the families shopping in the store. I appreciate that transport issues mean that this is more than a convenience store to many but with delivery and public transport should it be? I almost appreciated the Iceland mums when I watched young mums buying this garbage for their kids. A few days previously I had seen a mum picking up bread rolls and Bobby’s crisps for her children’s supper. What does this do to children, feeding them food that bears no resemblance to what it is supposed to be. Is this breeding a generation that wont understand what food actually is, will they go out for a meal one night in years to come and reject the bread roll because they don’t recognise it? Is this why our bakeries are struggling, because children don’t recognise what actual bread is. It is not just cheap plastic rolls it is the pink textureless, factory produced ham, the slices of yellow (who can call it cheese) this manufactured garbage is the education of these poor kids pallets. I don’t think that we need to go as far as showing children that animals are slaughtered to make dinner although, where it is convenient, I have no objection. Should we not show our children that there are supposed to be bones in ham? How about demonstrating that cheese does not come as string or as slime that will stick to a wall.

As parents it is our job to educate our children, we should introduce them to as many foods as possible but I think that we can skip the garbage group. Educate your children as to the quality so that when they are adults they will be able to cope in a restaurant and will have aspirations when cooking dinner. The thing that we don’t need to show our kids is garbage food, trust me they will find that on their own. Lets be honest, if you want grandchildren then your going to want children that are capable of taking their future partners to a restaurant, don’t rely on the state continuing to sponsor childbirth!