I have always loathed the whole courtship routine, the asking, the dating the whole nine yards, this is yet another reason why I am so resolutely single.
When you think about it what is the likelihood that you will meet your ‘true love’ in a bar or at a sporting event? In fact, given there are 7 billion people in the world what is the chance that you will even like a random stranger. Statistically speaking you are less likely to get on with a random stranger than you are to be murdered by them and turned into cottage pie.*
It just seems to me that a perfectly sensible approach to breeding and the survival of the species is somewhat ruined by the silly belief in this ethereal fantasy ‘love’.
But I haven’t manage to totally escape the whole courtship ritual and the crushing blow of rejection, if only it were that easy. For me it’s tradesmen and I can assure you it’s simply business! I have cajoled and sweet talked various trades into providing estimates and quotations only to be shunned at the last moment.
This is far worse than the spurned advances of my youth, each rejection hits harder than the last. Like some bizarrely charitable hooker I lure the trades in only to be left with cash and no work. How I yearn for the simplicity of ‘I’m washing my hair’ rather than ‘had a lot of work come in’.
We have all seen the advertisements for a well known deodorant which, according to my research, leaves a man fending off amorous advances is there a trades equivalent? If I splash a little creosote on or dab some cement behind my ears will I attract the attention of stonemasons and roofers?
Or, like some lovesick teen, am I destined to not meet ‘the one’**
*actual statistics were not used in this statement
**actually more than one, probably several