It is an oft quoted saying (normally attributed to a relative over 70 years of age) that ‘I would rather be going out of this world than coming into it’ and I think I am about there. If there was any doubt in my mind then the sheer ridiculousness of the recent climate protests has pushed me over the edge. Apparently the whole thing was pretty much started by a funny looking kid who truanted school to piss of around the world and, well, pretty much piss off politicians who were trying to have a grown up debate before they had to pause to tussle some schoolgirls hair.
To be fair if you want to change the world its a good idea to understand how it works and a great, and long established, way to do this is to get an education. Skipping school would normally condemn you to the checkout at your local store but I fear in this case the grown ups will give her a very special room in some parliament building with free crayons for life so that solves that problem. Now far be it from me to accuse the worlds leaders of turning a blind eye but the kid should be in school did nobody think to mention that? Of course this couldn’t happen in the UK because the cost of fines for being absent in term times would outweigh the cost of her transatlantic cruise.
Ah next up is said cruise. A boat made from carbon fibre and resin is not environmentally friendly, the production of said boat is not friendly to the planet and frankly the waste in carbon fibre is astonishing. Fair play her disney movies were powered by solar panels so she didn’t need a generator on board but there was one….. just in case. In fact there was a combustion engine on board for emergencies and this demonstrates the utter lunacy of the overly privileged eco loons. The entire ‘low carbon’ trip on a high speed racing yacht would not have been possible if it were not for the good old internal combustion engine! Want to prove your point? make a canoe out of banana leaves and cross the Atlantic whilst drinking your own urine and making seagull food out of your faeces. Or, alternatively, get an education and use your massively privileged western upbringing to work on the challenges that we all undoubtedly face.
Now if a schoolgirl rambling on about her future and the destruction of spongebob’s underwater habitat wasn’t enough to make you realise that the world had gone mad then stick with me because it gets a whole lot madder. Inspired, perhaps, by the funny little truant girl a load of the great unwashed signed up to get paid to bring London to a halt and disrupt government. Apparently they had been asleep for the last three years and so they were completely unaware that Brexit had achieved the second aim already!
So how did stig and his pals draw attention to the plight of hair braids and hemp mats? Well firstly they needed organising and if you know any stoners (you do by the way) then you know this requires a third party. Luckily the oil industry funds some people who fund some people who, well you get the idea, out come the laptops and we have an organised rebellion. This is where things get seriously stupid, well more stupid.
According to the rebellion guide that Tabatha downloaded from the massively power hungry search engine to her laptop full of rare earth metals and toxins (but it has a knitted cover) the best way is passive occupation. So Benny jumped in the SUV and set about buying tents (made of plastic) and superglue (not made of seaweed) oh and loads of battery packs to power all those cell phone selfies. Its a great start but it doesn’t draw enough attention so Tarquin checked chapter 3 and worked out they needed a more targeted approach. Luckily Selma had an old fire engine lying around so they filled her tanks with red dye and dragged the 13 ton monster into town. The 6 cylinder diesel turbo did its thing though and they only had to stop twice for fuel, it would have been once but the roads were particularly busy because of some protest.
Theo had a random lucid moment and discovered an annex of suggestions at the back of the rebellion guide and managed to arrange all sorts of fun before Bunny found some more weed and he kind of wandered off. Amongst the hilarity that ensued was a fella gluing himself to the top of an air-plane, seems an odd thing to do until you realise that he was an ex sportsman who failed a drug test, to be fair I don’t think he is any closer to passing one now…. All was ok though, they fuelled another plane and fired up its engines so it was a short delay and some extra fuel burn, all for a good cause though eh?
When earth rabbit discovered that people were still going about their business using carbon zero electric trains he had an awful tantrum and managed to find the only bit of clean train roof to glue himself to. Interestingly he chose Canning Town for his protest and some nice young man called Steve assisted him off the train using a calibrated size 10 boot. After he slid to the platform a crowd rushed to assist him but unfortunately they were rather too enthusiastic and he received quite a bruising, the ambulance that took him away had to stop for fuel because the roads were so busy due to some sort of protest.
When Moony starbug found out about earth bunny she called all of the mothers together for a sit in breastfeeding session. They sat across the roads, stopping all traffic as they forced any available offspring to nurse in order to draw attention to the scarcity of resource on the planet and the risk to future generations. Every time somebody mentioned the rather simple option of closing ones legs and not increasing the population they accused them of looking at their breasts, there is no place for rational argument at a protest after all.
I do find one positive in the whole thing though. An idle conversation over the protest led me to discuss chemistry with a very intelligent Geordie, I will let you think about that for a minute… No he didn’t ride in on a unicorn and no I hadn’t had one of Tarquin’s herbal cigarettes, a very intelligent conversation with a Geordie accent and it was a delight.
Whilst all of this was going on the Met spent the equivalent of nearly three times their entire violent crimes budget deploying officers to douse protesters in deodorant and avoid looking at Moony starbugs tits. 135 people were killed on the streets of London last year, 270 parents lost their children, 3 times the budget spent policing the unwashed, all in a good cause though eh?
Now can somebody get that nipper back to school please.