As we have already established today I am a fan of accuracy in language similarly I am in favour of a wide vocabulary. There is a phrase that I would like to bring back into more frequent use, in fact there are two but they are similar. The first is the phrase to ‘man up’ and the second, which should be reserved for cases that need a little more emphasis, is ‘man the f*ck up’. This phrase should be applied regularly with regard to any situation where somebody just needs a dose of, well man up. I suggest that we start of with some examples so that we can all understand where this almost lost phrase should be used.
In the news yesterday there was the story of a policeman who smashed the window of a range rover driven by a 71-year-old who had been unable to open the door (as requested) due to central locking issues. This man was filmed taking 8 strikes to break the window and disable the dangerous 71-year-old whom he had pulled for not wearing a seat belt; the driver was subsequently awarded £20,000 for the incident. The policeman was subject to “ridicule” by his colleagues and has sued the police for constructive dismissal, he was successful and awarded a significant sum. I suggest that a more appropriate sentence for a policeman who couldn’t handle a little ribbing from his colleagues was a solid dose of ‘man the f*ck up’ with costs against him.
The police also offer our second example which comes from today’s news. Apparently a pig’s head was left on a police vehicle’s bonnet and they are reviewing CCTV to identify the culprit. Now the interesting thing in this is that the police acknowledge that no crime has been committed, so why try to track anybody down? Are they looking to return the head? of course not they are looking to bully some poor idiot into saying something that they can arrest him. Just a thought lads but how about feeding the head to one of the dogs and grabbing a hot mug of ‘man the f*ck up’.
Flu is next on the list or, to be more accurate, colds. We all hate colds, they are horrible, annoying and generally unpleasant but they are not the flu. As a 40-year-old man I can count on one hand the number of times that I have had the flu, amazing eh? not twice a month throughout the winter or every January, go figure? Trust me you know when you have flu, it is a serious infection and lemon flavoured powder is not going to help. In 2009 there was a relatively minor outbreak of flu in the UK and nearly 400 people died, you do not die from a cold*. Flu is hideously debilitating and potentially life threatening. There is no such thing as man flu of course, research has shown that men suffer more in fever situations because they have more temperature receptors in their brain but that just makes it worse. The root cause of the illness is a cold, C-O-L-D, get it? When you are crawling along the floor in agony you may have the flu, but if you expect sympathy then I want to see a doctor’s note otherwise, go buy a box of tissues and help yourself to dose of ‘man the f*ck up’.
Lets finish with the concept of Health and Safety teams, it is an established point of fact that they are the enemy. In world war terms they are speaking German, if they had been present in the world war we would all be speaking German. They are not your friends and they are not your ticket out of work, if you call the H&S to come to your work site then I think they should answer “hello son” just to make it feel more like you have called your mother. You are supposed to work around these people not engage with them. There is a reason that they prowl the workplace like Nazi officers, asking them if the job is OK is like asking a commandant in a prison camp if he minds you digging tunnels! Real men work under the alternative rules of Stealth and Hasty, much more accomodating of our ways.
Of course it is too hot, too cold, too hard, uncomfortable and downright bloody horrible doing that task, that is why we pay you. When you smash your car up you expect somebody to cut the broken bits out and rebuild it not stroke their beard and say “hmmm looks kinda sharp perhaps we’re better off scrapping it”. You are part of mankind, the champion of your environment and capable of overcoming all hurdles, so it’s a dirty/dusty/sharp if everything was made of lavender-scented marshmallow do you think we would need you? Next time you toy with the idea of downing tools because the sun is in your eyes, your shoes itch or you have a splinter hit the vending machine, £1 will buy you a tin of ‘who cares man the f*ck up’.
On reflection the world has gone too far for simply ‘man up’ we clearly need to move to ‘man the f*ck up’ immediately. The good thing about this phrase is that it is self-regulating, if your child has never heard you swear then they need cuddles and strawberry flavoured pain relief. If, on the other hand, they are as fluent as you in profanity then next time the whinge bend down, tousle their hair and tell them to man the f*ck up. I ask each and every one of you, when next confronted with a demand for sympathy, to consider the use of the phrase. Your default position should be ‘man the f*ck up’ and the more that you use it the less you will be faced with demands for sympathy.
*Unless you sneeze in a full face crash helmet whilst taking a high-speed bend, then it is possible
