In a bid to beat the nefarious Ms Nature into submission I have hit upon more aggressive press ups as part of my exercise regime. There is nothing particularly exciting about these, it’s just press ups performed on chairs, but the elevation allows you to dip the shoulders lower and increase the movement at the wrists (ha take that Ms Nature). I share this with you only because I was sat here earlier merrily talking to myself saying “Oh you really don’t like that do you? Ha better get used to it” and then, when I dropped a can of soda, “Oo fighting back eh?”. Of course I wasn’t actually talking to myself but the dark witch of nature but I wonder if that truly excuses threatening your own body or does everyone do that?
I have maintained steadfast refusal to listen to anything that the medical ‘experts’ say to me and continue to take the fight to Ms Nature but in doing so has my view of the world changed? I read stuff from people far worse off than me who say that pain is a motivator but I am not sure if they treat it the way that I do, as a sign of weakness from the competition. On reflection they probably don’t but how many people have actually read the blog and follow the logic that gives rise to Ms Nature and her dark arts of punishment? If they knew who was responsible perhaps they to would see pain as victory ……
Just in case it is my perspective that is out let me ask you what you would think I meant if I said “somebody was outside calling me last night”, I know it’s obvious but please bear with me. When I had this conversation with Jo she thought that I meant that somebody had pressed the entry buzzer for the flat, I know how mad is that? some people live in a completely strange world don’t they? Of course, as any normal person would realise, I meant that somebody stood on the pavement serenading me whilst eating a takeaway but you knew that because we have a normal perspective. Thank you, that small exercise has confirmed that I do indeed have a normal perspective on the world, nearly had me worried.
As a final note for today’s entry I would like somebody to train my GP in box ticking. As part of my BP review I had to have a blood test and dutifully turned up this morning for the removal of red stuff for test purposes. Doc says that we need to test kidney function as it can be affected by BP meds so I figure one test and probably a bit for luck right? 9 tubes of blood later and we were done! I think he must have either ticked every box or the “all tests” box, I am so concerned by the fluid loss that I may have to thin the remainder with some alcohol!
Am I becoming more pedantic or are the news agencies becoming lest strict when vetting their stories? Like a grumpy old man I am finding that some news articles grate on me with a level of annoyance that I find hard to justify. Some recent examples that you may recognise:
- During the Christmas Eve travel chaos in the UK there were repeated scenes where a studio cut to “their reporter on the scene”. A pristine looking reporter would then describe what they saw as the camera panned “these people have been listening to announcements all day”, how is that news? We look to the news agencies to provide us information, when there is travel chaos I know that all of the terminals will be full of people waiting for information that does not count as news!
- Some idiot started a small fire on a ferry which subsequently had to return to dock. All very dramatised by the press, but I accept that is their job, and lots of coverage. There were hundreds on board so how long did it take the press to find Mrs Bell who said “I think I will stay in the UK from now on, it’s a lot safer”. This woman had gone on holiday with her husband and we can only hope that is the entire extent of their gene pool. They went on a weekend break to Holland, some drunks set fire to a duvet and for that she has condemned the rest of the planet as uncivilised and dangerous! New York? Vienna? hell no that’s just Syria by another name for Mrs Bell.
- The final one, of many, is the revelation that painkillers have been found in ice cream manufactured by the biggest manufacturer in Europe. The pain killers were found, still in their tablet form, inside wrapped ice cream cones so we clearly need an ‘expert’. Our expert tells us that this “looks like a case of contamination” well I checked the ingredients and it doesn’t list painkillers so that’s a pretty safe bet. There were two tablets found, one each in two separate cones, the expert thinks this may have been deliberate, clearly he is an expert in stupidity then. This is obviously somebody that has dropped a couple of pills by accident and either been unaware or too scared to stop the line. If you are trying to poison people it is accepted good practice to crush the poison especially if you are hiding it in something soft like ice cream! Two contaminated items from such a huge supplier lends itself to accident rather than malicious and it was paracetamol, surely a simple peanut would have been more devastating if the intent was malicious?
I don’t know if it is the multiple news sources all fighting for the same story or it is a feature of the instant availability of news that we have today but it is definitely losing its value. During the travel ‘chaos’, they are delays unless it is Christmas Eve, we were faced with television screens full of idiots demonstrating that were idiots. Let me be clear it is not the fault of the public, we knew they were idiots that’s why they are public! It is the idiot that, employed to seek out newsworthy quotes, stuffs a roaming microphone randomly at these buffoons. “We’re just like trying to get home for Christmas” and there’s me thinking that you had headed out early for Easter! “I don’t want to spend all night here” oh no, quick summon assistance there is someone in the throng of bodies at check in that didn’t intend to spend 24 hours here!
When I was younger the news was full of insightful information and explanations. Whilst these poor people were eating the weak and setting fire to belongings to stay warm at Heathrow a suited newscaster would explain the weather trends and the fact that it was all Coca Cola’s fault, we learnt something that was the point. Is it perhaps that I have now reached an age where they can teach me no more? I don’t mean that I know everything I mean that I have reached an age where I can see through the well scripted news readers and realise that they don’t know any more than I do.
I think that the news studios are more cunning than that, or perhaps they are cleverly aligned with other state departments, they are preparing for the zombie invasion. When the living dead are roaming our towns the reporters will be dispatched and we will be fed a series of inane and moronic statements from roaming hoards of flesh eaters. To us at home it will be business as normal, we will watch the news and then pop out shopping thereby feeding the growing army of the living dead. They are conditioning us to see morons on the streets, the next step will be the worsening make up and then the scuffles in the back ground, by my predictions we will see this in the New Year’s Eve coverage. Slowly but surely they are conditioning us so that the invasion is not a shock, I’m off to polish my zombie bat……
I had some grocery shopping delivered last week from one of the major stores, all of which now reach my little coastal backwater. When I was trying to arrange delivery to take place at the weekend, this was the beginning if the week, I was surprised to find most slots were booked. Quite apart from the fact that this rather detracts from the convenience of the whole thing it does show its popularity. Who would have thought that having built these enormous stores the operators would now be discouraging us from visiting? To the point where one large operator offers a ‘call and collect’ service such that you can drive to the store and collect your groceries from a delivery truck parked at the rear of the car park. The later is not for me as it always seems somewhat nefarious collecting from a truck that has driven 20 yards from the store.
It has now occurred to me that we are witnessing yet another massive socioeconomic change that will affect the next generation. We must drag our youngsters into the superstores as an important part of their education before it is too late. The town that I live in has, for many years, relied on a small co-operative store* and that means people have learnt the etiquette of shopping in a co-op. when you transplant someone who has not shopped in an out of town behemoth it is like changing countries. The traffic rules, the time allowed stationary, the layout are all different and bewildering. I remember taking my mother, many years ago, to an out of town superstore and she stalled at the door, terrified by the size. When I got her moving I lost her for the best part of three hours as she wandered aimlessly looking for flour. When we emerged my mother was bruised, exhausted and in need of a lie down, I was never quite sure if I had done her a favour or a disservice that day. I would like to point out now that whilst I can parallel park, as a man I am woefully under qualified in superstore traffic rules.
If we rely on home delivery then we will be the only generation that is comfortable in large out of town stores. Our parents were intimidated by the sheer size of them and if our children learn to shop from home so will they be. Everything is neat and tidy on a computer, there is no traffic carnage with shopping carts or confused layout simply type and click. The branding is followed through to the small local express stores so they will think that they know but when they enter the monster store all sense of normality will be lost. If you don’t want your children falling like lemmings at the door to some out of town superstore then act now and teach them the way of the shop.
It does strike me as peculiar that we have shrunk the globe through faster and cheaper travel but we are bringing up agoraphobics. Children can shop from home and socialise online, if they want to explore the world then the web means that they can do it from the safety of their own home. I was actually walking alongside the river Lea in London on Wednesday this week and was surprised to see no children sneaking over fences to play in the dirty and dangerous brackish water. It would seem even my childhood play areas hold no interest for this generation.
*For those outside of the UK this is nowhere near as grand as it sounds and is readily summed up as the small store, remaining firmly behind the times and dying in the face of competition