I live in a world that is not where you live. I know that you think we are friends or mates or that you know me but honestly, I’m kinda unique. So to those that see me in their office, not for me. Those that see me as an enforcer, not for me. Those that think I am security, not for me. Can I do these jobs? Yes, Have I done these jobs? Yes.
I may sound like you but I’m not you, in truth I’m not sure who I am but that doesn’t matter I’m not you. You want me to be you, want me to help you, sympathise and empathise with you, no problem but I’m not you. Do I have tattoos? Yes, have I lost my kids? Yes, Have I done bad things? Choose a side, am I a good guy? There aren’t any that’s just fantasy.So I am who I am will be who I will be and will be dammed by my choices they call that life.
This evening I went to the pub, a pint or maybe two. No intention to stay out was quickly replaced by a late night, that is the joy of pubs, don’t forget them guys! I met up with a crowd that didn’t colour coordinate with me, my t shirt said ” I beat cancer, by cancer I mean my wife” one of them had cancer. There are two ways of dealing with this, for you. For me it’s just life hell,for some of its a shitter. For my mate Mick an opportunity to use lines such as “shut up I’m talking to baldy” and “did you lose all hair” before killing it with ” you are all drinking on her sympathy”. Cancer is a powerful and indiscriminate disease but hey if you can’t laugh at it then it all becomes serious and tedious.
Think thats odd? Maybe you’re right but happiest cancer survivor in Essex left the pub. Some of us are not born to be nice, eloquent or clever but there’s a humanity in our lives that you couldn’t understand. You may not know me, may not need to befriend me but one day you will be happy to meet me, it’s just how it is. So do I know how to hurt you? Can I make a living out of chaos? That is irrelevant lets live for the day……
I would like to share a secret with the security team at Westfield. It doesn’t matter if they read this, they don’t trust me and so won’t believe a word I say. The thing is people, I’m not a shop lifter. I know its hard to believe when I meet all of the stereotypes that they taught you in store guard school, but its true. Not only am I not a shoplifter I have never been one, I am neither a reformed nor an ex shop lifter. I would go so far as to say that I have never lifted a shop in my life and furthermore I have no intention of ever doing so.
If you want to protect the revenues of the store that you guard then you should associate me with a voice in your ear saying “he’s behind you”. I am not suggesting that there is always a thief behind you when you are looking at me but, when you’re looking at me, you are certainly looking the wrong way. There is another problem with you presuming that I have criminal intentions in your store. Your attention is directed at a 40-year-old mischievous child. I entered the chemist today and attracted the attention of a store guard. I watched as he went through his mental checklist and ticked ‘baseball cap’ and ‘rucksack’. Of course he stopped here and didn’t go on to conclude that the bag was in fact already full and that I am pretty much an old cripple.
Having hit his headlines I believe that I have two choices I can declare my honest intentions or toy with him. I have heard talk of another way, some say that you can simply go about your business but frankly I think it’s just rumours. Having realised I had his attention I ducked down an aisle whilst adjusting my cap. I didn’t actually move my cap but movement of the hand to the peak symbolises a wish to cover one’s eyes and avoid eye contact which is a classic guilty move. A brief queue allowed me to enquire of the pharmacist and discover that the product that I required was not in stock. This exchange also meant that the store guard had to break off and circle an adjacent aisle. Departing the pharmacist I made a quick inspection of something on a lower shelf before heading for the exit. The lower shelf inspection actually allowed me to duck below the top of the display and thus meant my head was not visible to the store guard for a crucial few seconds.
The store guard knew his patch well and picked up behind me midway to the exit. By this time the store guard is close behind in order to tackle me when the alarm goes off. It is as critical moment because he has a short window between the alarm and my potential ‘escape’. A quick tack left at the very edge of the store gives the impression that I am trying to avoid the RFID loops and adds spice to the exit. Then, like an innocent shopper, I am through the exit, no noise, no alarm and a store guard left to slowly stew in his adrenalin. I don’t even need to turn and view him, my knowledge is confirmed by the two mall guards outside looking deflated at not having a pursuit.
To me this is as entertaining as wearing a suit when people expect a T-shirt or indeed a T-shirt when they expect a suit. It is only a fool who judges by appearances it is an extremely inefficient way of viewing the world.
You know that I don’t use the blog for advertising. I have no interest in pushing other peoples agendas. But there are occasions when the commercial aspect of something is eclipsed by the sheer genius of the presentation.
This, my freinds, is one such time. The link below sums up so much about the world many of us live in. Its a great video and safe to view anywhere. When you watch it ask yourself if your really as comfortable with your fellow man as you think.
Just for the record that is not me in the third row and I don’t like carlsberg.