I read this weekend in the Publican that Stafford police are unhappy that of the public houses they tested all were positive for cocaine. According to the some police chief this was indicative of the licensed trade’s failure to address the drugs problem and in his opinion this was why the licensed trade took up so much of the police’s resources. In case any of you have read this press release which no doubt originated in the Guardian of the Independent I thought that I should put your minds at rest. Clearly the ludicrous amount of braid and other shoulder accessories has affected this woman’s head. It seems to be the case in most walks of life that attract shoulder candy, perhaps it has a high mercury content? Either way it is a good rule of thumb that the more rope on a person’s shoulders the less sense in their head.
But lets examine the detail of this stunning revelation and see what a normal mind makes of it. At this point can I suggest that anybody adorned by shoulder spaghetti leaves us because they wont understand a word that follows. The fact is that every pub that the Staffordshire force swab tested proved positive and that is indeed indicative of the prevalence of drugs in society. There is no routine testing, the police do not have to test you once a year like a drugs MOT these are random checks carried out when the police chose. In short these tests form one of the many justifications for police overtime. There’s a budget saving straight away, we all know that the use of drugs is widespread so stop checking. Spending money confirming this is taking money away from important matters like checking that the fridge light does indeed go off when you close the door.
There is no mention of where the swabs were taken, but it would be wise to suggest that it was toilets. For some reason people that ‘enjoy’ sniffing powder that has generally been smuggled into the country in a person’s bottom seem to like toilet seats. Given the dubious provenance of the product I guess the toilet seat compares favourably, who knows. I do, though, find it odd that the same people that chose to hover over a toilet rather than sitting on it are happy to nostril hoover it, each to their own though. Now if they had swabbed the windowsill or the pool table then they would have grounds to complain since this would indicate that there was some condoning of the activity, or would it? The truth is that these machines read miniscule amounts as a positive trace and lets face it the clever kids at school were not the ones that joined the police so there is no finesse its just positive or negative.
Are drugs consumed in public houses? without a doubt they are, they are also consumed on public transport and in restaurants. If you swab McDonalds toilet seats they will test positive, it is incredibly difficult to control what happens in toilets. Do publicans condone drug use? Of course not, no more than restaurants condone bringing your own food. It is hard enough to earn a living in a pub without your clientele finding alternative ways to enjoy their night that do not put money across your bar.
The shoulder merchant goes on to say that public houses continue to place a “big demand” on police at the weekend, particularly in terms of alcohol-related disorder. Really? You mean the police are not called out to carpet thefts and Appletise fuelled riots? Pubs sell alcohol so when they need the police alcohol is likely to be involved, I don’t hear people condemning the banks because the police deal with mostly theft-related crime.
This braided fantasist goes on to say that dealing with one drunk person can take 17 police officers. Are the police in Staffordshire gnomes? or are the public all martial arts experts? If it takes 17 police officers to deal with a drunk then the issue is clearly with the police. The only place we see 17 police officers together is at the doughnut counter, that’s 4 1/4 persons per limb was this a drunk person or a drunk elephant? It is true that the police are more likely to be called to a pub than to a florists but it is also true that for every £3 you spend in a pub nearly £1.05 is tax, the same is not true for florists and certainly not supermarkets. If you sell less beer in the pubs there is less money to pay the police, biting the hand that feeds you comes to mind.
If we follow the shoulder loon to her logical conclusion then all pubs are bad because they have found traces of cocaine in them. So obviously she wants more resource to study toilet seats in pubs, perhaps even leading to a ban on toilet seats altogether or transparent toilet walls. But I would suggest that we approach this a different way, stop swabbing toilet seats and swab bank notes. It is acknowledged that every note in circulation in the UK has traces of cocaine on it. So lets get captain shoulder bling to investigate the banks, come down hard on them because 100% of their product is contaminated with cocaine. What are the banks doing to stop their notes being used in this way? A lot less than the pubs are doing I can assure you.
Upon reflection I see a corollary here. The next time a publican is asked “can we swab your toilets” his response should be “be my guest I polished the seats and cisterns with a £20 note just before opening”.
Do me a favour please if this post makes any sense to you. Go to your local pub, not the chain but the local independent or tied house, have a pint (or even an Appletise) and tell the publican that you think he’s doing a good thing. It may not be a lot but it will make all the difference to a tired person in a vilified trade at least until I get ‘hug a publican’ day publicised.