I am acutely conscious that the gaps between my posts are growing longer rather than shorter and so tonight I am making an effort. Well it isn’t really an effort as such since I enjoy writing but I am sitting down with one mission at least.
Allow me to share with you some of the lunacy that is life in the Plough:
Today I was asked for ‘one of those things mum drinks, I don’t know what they are’. Having consulted my encyclopedic knowledge of people’s drinks choices I returned with the correct drink and noted that both mother and daughter drink the same drink, every time they come in they order two of the same. A brief delay before ‘ oh yeah so it’s the same as mine whatever that is’
We were struggling to work out why one particular customer seemed to get completely smashed half way through his third or fourth pint, not just drunk but proper hero to zero stuff. When I popped to the store the other day I spotted a clue which I confirmed on the next visit. Half way through every other pint matey was wondering to a nearby bench and downing high strength lager from cans. What we saw as one pint consumed was, in all likelihood, 3 or 4! Mystery solved and the innovative solution is to tip the remainder of his drink every time he leaves the property.
A long and protracted debate with one customer about the horrendous state of my gents toilets, a condition which resulted from said patrons use, produced an answer that even I couldn’t have foreseen. When I asserted that I am not a care worker and therefore should not have to clean up such a mess the guy looked for mutual sympathy on the grounds ‘I have to clean it up to’. I actually briefly imagined a self-help group with each individual standing up and saying “Hi my name is X and I clean up after Mr Y”. The insanity of the argument was totally lost on the guy though, as is so often the way.
I still get asked quite regularly whether we ‘do food’ this is a question that works on multiple levels and most of you know that the answer is No on all of them. Last week, once again, my negative response was met with the question “are you sure”. I recovered quickly and responded ‘no actually I am not certain let me check with the chef’ sadly by the time I had returned somebody had explained sarcasm and the guy had left.
There are a million more episodes to share but that is a taste of my madness now let me expand on the ever-growing list of pub rules/points of etiquette:
- If your dog is well-behaved except for ‘when there are people around’ then your dog is not a pub dog please leave it at home.
- If you cuddling your child looks like a scene from the Alien films then the chances are high that the little darling will not meet the pubs definition of ‘well behaved’.
- You are not allowed to use E cigs in this pub. I have no more interest in debating that rule than I do in debating why one cannot masturbate on the pool table. You cannot do either so get over it.
- A shirt is required to be worn when inside the premises. I know that there is no sign but again that is because it is basic etiquette, you also have to wear shorts/trousers and there is no sign for that. If you are just ‘popping to the toilet’ then, by the nature of the task, you are inside so put a shirt on.
- There are no happy hours/special deals. You are drinking in the cheapest pub in town I could put the prices up in order to give you a discount for an hour but to be honest if you are that stupid you would have already spent your money on magic beans by then.
- Not everything is explicit, some instructions are implied but we try to make them easy. The rule that dogs have to be on the lead strictly implies that a human should be attached to the other end of the lead and that, if it is an extending lead, it should not be left on free running. Not everybody likes dogs, get with the program.
I will leave it there for now, there are many more to come but I like to retain an air of suspense.
