Sometimes I think people don’t realise how complicated this whole shopping routine is getting so let me share my recent attempts.
It would seem that my lock down routine is to overeat on one day and under eat on the next. I have no idea why but that is just how it has turned out. I didn’t eat much yesterday so today there was a plan to actually cook something, at this point I didn’t know what.
Now I know that I don’t keep much at home so this will involve a trip to the store. I have two grocery store options, well physically there are two but I will only use one at the moment. I did attempt to use the larger store during the week and the minefield of arrows and one way systems totally threw me.
Since I am totally incapable of planning a meal I visit the store with a vague idea and rely on the produce to inspire me (well give me a clue at least). One way shopping doesn’t work for me, I can’t cope. The item that I picked up in aisle one is no good to me because its partner product is not in stock in aisle three. The item I like in aisle four would go well with the thing I didn’t pick up in aisle two but it’s too late now unless I throw a double six to start again.
I got so lost by one way and no entry signs this week that I left without what I went in there for and without any memory of what that even was. I felt confused by the system and guilty for not making an ‘essential’ purchase despite that actually being the purpose of the visit.
So today I set off to the smaller store and its discount neighbour. I had an idea of dinner and needed some ingredients and also wanted something nice for lunch since I skipped breakfast. When I got to the grocery store there was a queue of sorts to enter. The queue in itself is just about manageable but it included prams and people talking so I had no idea where the actual queue was. Yes I know I could just ask but that is so not me, off I marched to the discount neighbour.
Now the visit here was intended to purchase some snack type bits for the evening, treats if you will. The flaw in my plan is clearly obvious to you all but somehow I missed it. Of course you cannot buy treats if you haven’t brought food, obvious wasn’t it? I made a valiant attempt to look at some snacks whilst the voice in my head told me that really it was all just junk and no good to me. ‘You don’t need snacks Gav you are not hungry you are bored’ says the voice and then I get angry (well more mardy) .
Now I know that they are selling me junk, which I will eat, which means that they have ‘won’. If they win then by corollary I lose and I am not having that, I am better than that. So I take a rather studious look at the DIY shelf, I don’t need anything but the absence of that thing that I appear to be looking for justifies my presence in the store. Somehow I now feel that I have disguised my tantrum and I leave the store not even looking to see if there is a queue next door.
I return home empty handed and in a bad mood. The ducks, who are used to this routine, find the whole thing comical and laugh at me which doesn’t help my mood. I now proceed to rip into the tasks at hand with no further thoughts of shopping or food.
Somehow over the course of the next few hours my mood softens and once again I realise that I will be sat here later angry with myself for not buying the things that I was angry with myself for looking to buy earlier (that kinda makes sense in my head). Since I have worked hard all day I will give the store another go, the ducks wish me well.
It is already in my head that when I turn the corner if I can see a queue then I will abandon but all looks good. Straight into the shop, no queue, no hassle. Now what did I want, well the last idea has long gone so lets hit inspiration central. How about a nice chilled pizza? well they are thin and crispy and frankly really just a cheese covered biscuit by the time they are cooked so that is a no.
Some nice fresh bread rolls, nope none there just the mass produced rubbish which I won’t enjoy because I want something ‘nice’. I find myself looking at a jar of pickled onions, ‘don’t be an idiot, what you are going to have a jar of onions for dinner’ internal voices can be quite judgemental you know. A quick glance at the fridge, I know I don’t need milk but its a safety, its ‘essential’ and justifies the visit. I walk past the milk though because I know how this is going already.
A look at the freezer, some nice fish in crumb or chicken grills perhaps. ‘Yeah nice factory produced junk go on knock yourself out, hell get a meal for one and an ice cream look like a real sad loner’ see what I mean always judgemental? By now the ducks are all betting on what I return with, clearly I am sometimes successful after all.
I return empty handed to a round of applause from the CB duck who had her money on that result. But it is OK because I remembered that I still had to do that bit of painting so I will get that done and then dinner will resemble yesterday, first course of lager with a dessert of red wine.
Note: Whilst I am clearly a bit odd I am a functioning healthy person, who does eat and is capable of looking after myself, no interventions are needed.