I had to visit the doctors today to get the results from the suite of tests that they ordered on the gallon of blood and 3 gallons of urine! I have always been convinced that doctors are the preserve of women and the feckless, before you attack me for sexism allow me to explain. Women are mothers so they take children to the doctors, they also socialise with the staff who are normally female. But feminine life seems to be supported by GPs generally, a guy buys condoms but women need a prescription for birth control, smears, breast checks far be it from me to say that it’s an unreliable model I will let you draw your own conclusions. I lived here for 8 years before I registered with the doctor and up until the accident I think that I had seen him twice.
This unfamiliarity with the medical profession may explain why I am so bemused by recent experiences. Perhaps there was an NHS campaign that I missed which required all doctors to be bonkers, I am sure they never used to be mad. They probably all had to spend a week at a retreat licking windows and chewing the carpet to show that they were in tune with the local populace, it’s all about inclusion after all. So today we reviewed the test results, it’s a very open system nowadays and you can see the results as the doctor explains the pertinent values. I have to make it clear that, despite my faith in Dr Google, I am not a doctor so these results mean little to me. My untrained eye can detect some small visual clues though, lines at the far end of graphs, red exclamation marks, that sort of thing is like the international language of bad. Not to my doctor who explained that he tends to ignore these as they can be unreliable. My thyroid appears to have taken a few years off, or maybe I left it somewhere and forgot about it, but the next measure says that I have enough thyroid juice* so not a problem, hey go figure.
Apparently the last loon ordered the tests to check for miobioxymeponoma* which is a nasty tumour but unusual. The results were good though because my miobio juice* was low or high or something. Blood pressure was high but I explained that it always is and that when he ordered a 24 hr test it was fine. I explained that if I flush then alcohol makes it worse “Chinese flush, we all share a lot of genes” I explained that my body had processed alcohol perfectly well for the last 4o years and that I was confident that I am the only person that wears my jeans, hell I don’t even know that many Chinese. Then his eyes lit up as he found Omeprazole on my “active” page we should check out the side effects he suggested but was quickly deflated when I explained that was only whilst I was in hospital. After closing all the hospital drugs down he asked if I took any drugs and I said, as I always do, “only nasal spray” what a fool I was.
He doesn’t like my nasal spray apparently and I should use what he tells me. When he wrote the first item down I asked if this was just an over the counter anti-histamine and he said it was similar but non drowsy “well in most people”. I must have looked confused as he prescribed hay fever treatments so he went on to explain that this is “tree season” and its followed by “flower pollen” then “fungus” so that if you want you can be allergic to something all year round. Have I had a cough he asked “only a minor one” that was the killer, apparently the nasty cough doing the rounds didn’t get me because my immune system is tip-top. The problem with a tip-top immune system is that it goes out looking for fights so we have to subdue it, apparently. So in non medical speak I need to get my immune system sedated but not angry, no more Stella for my anti-bodies they are on Fosters from now on.
After he assured me that he would cure the nasal congestion that hasn’t bothered me for the last 25 years I didn’t have the heart to remind him that wasn’t why I was there. As I prepared to leave he noted the hypertension again and asked if I could get a BP monitor and measure my own, I said I would but that we all knew it was ok after the test last year didn’t we. In a flash of genius he explained that because of the other levels, yes the ones that he told me weren’t important, the elevated blood pressure meant that the next thing to look at was miobioxymeponoma*. Now unless I have got something wrong the end result was that they are concerned that I have miobioxymeponoma* but are treating it with Piriton! Now has anyone seen a thyroid?
*I was never any good with technical terms so I made these ones up
