The final part of a story in my local pub was played out yesterday, I’d like to share it. The story for me starts on Saturday when the tale of Friday was recounted. Apparently there had been a young lad in the pub on Friday who was a little ‘theatrical’. His technique for encouraging the fruit machine to let him win was more of a courtship ritual, it appears he had made ‘second base’. A couple of pound in the jukebox is an easy way to ‘stylishly defer’ oneself and by all accounts he did.
The most significant reason that he stuck in everyone’s minds was that he complained that the toilet vending machine had failed to vend. These machines are always a source of entertainment in a pub but respect to anyone that has the confidence to complain and recover their £2. I should point out that these are the machines which vend toys not condoms. His £2 was refunded and there was some muttered discussion as to what he had tried to purchase but that was it.
On Saturday, whilst cleaning, it was found that the vending machine had in fact vended but the guy had failed to work it out. The product of his choice was a small vibrator which, given his persona, was thought to be for personal use. On Saturday the barman who had refunded the money was challenged with exchanging the goods for the cash. By Sunday all was forgotten by most.
Unbeknown to me the purchaser was in the pub on Sunday with a friend and what appeared to be a girlfriend. Having spotted this the barman charged over and delivered his purchase, two points deducted for not asking for the money back. What unfolded was a study into the embarrassment afforded to adults by what is supposed to be an adult subject.
Remember that the object itself comes ‘discreetly’ packaged in a plain box. I shall start with the barman who positively launched the box at the purchaser and ran away. Even the limited time he spent in the vicinity turned him quite a rosy colour. The purchaser, not remembering the transaction, peered into the box and then went scarlet and started stammering. At this stage the three or four of us that knew the contents confirmed that it may well not have been a purchase intended as a gift.
The girlfriend, looking to capitalise on his discomfort, asked to see what it was. Having passed the box over she peered in and her confidence disintegrated in a glance. The furtive look around to see if anyone else had seen the contents was met by knowing looks from too many of us. Now that the couple were both embarrassed and distraught with her no doubt considering how to reject the gift whilst he was wondering how to declare that it was a gift!
Now remember that I mentioned at the beginning that there was a second man with them. Was he going to be left out? Was he hell! Plucking the package from the girls bewildered hand he delved into the box to discover the source of such consternation. As he grasped the small toy it imparted such heat that his face coloured to the neck. I don’t think that he had any intention of being this close to his friends and he was lost for words. A stammer and some ‘errmm’ was all he managed before he placed the box back on the table.
At this point the young lady placed the box into her handbag. The three of them maintained a strict ‘eyes forward’ pose until the end of their drinks then left. 4 adults sedated for the mere sum of £2, what a bargain!
Bonus points to Sam the barmaid for taking one look at the size and pronouncing “it would be like chucking a sausage up a bowling alley”. Whilst I maintained my composure throughout this statement has left me scarred.