I am sure that there are some readers of this blog who remember when there was such a thing as choice in ones ready salted potato crisps. Remember the little blue packet that came with simple, plain crisps and allowed you to carefully add your personal choice of amount of salt (by which I mean tip the whole packet in) and shake.
Well since I am a little unsure regarding the use of profanities on this platform this post is going to run a little something like those crisps. Let me introduce you to the opposite of a swear box, this is the profanity chest:
Whereas the ‘traditional’ swear box is little more than a means of taxation, requiring a cash deposit for every swear word used, the chest is a much more literal interpretation. The chest is brimming with profanities and you can sprinkle as many, or as few, as you feel the dialogue deserves completely free of charge or guilt. Much like the little blue packet of salt I would suggest that you tip them all in, for reference I am currently running at 2 wpp (words per profanity).
Now that we have got that out of the way let me tell you about the still deteriorating (through no fault of my own) relationship with Henry.
Things started badly on Wednesday when I released the ‘active’ end of Henry mid task which left him somewhat to his own devices. Normally I can trust Henry to snake off and find an immovable object to attach himself to until I have the opportunity to kill the power, apparently this is more trust than he deserves. As per usual the hose snaked away looking for something to eat, I have no idea why an unattended Henry acts like a drunkard hunting kebabs but that is how it is.
The noise, and the fact that his eyes are clearly larger than his stomach, gave him away and I turned to find him attempting to devour Gav duck. Luckily Gav duck’s larger proportions meant he was no easy snack and he was retrieved without harm. Henry spent the night in the porch behind closed doors to reflect upon his actions.
The following day a new floor tool arrived for Henry and after much deliberation I decided this could be an olive branch to bring some peace between us and set about changing it over. This task involves, as many of you will know, slipping the tube out of the old head and into the new one, if only it were that simple.
The initial round left me with the fitting at the end still firmly attached but no cleaning head. Several different methods of beating the plastic off of the end of the tube had no discernible effect and I had to resort to removing the last part with a hacksaw. Quite how the head of a vacuum could become so welded to its partner is beyond me. I cannot recall ever using the tool to bludgeon an Elephant or for any deep excavation, it simply (and easily) rolls around the floor.
At some point after this major Engineering exercise I decided to vacuum the stairs and hallway and things took a turn. I should point out that there is ample length on the cord to reach the length of the upstairs hall when it is plugged in downstairs as, indeed, it was. Having made relatively short work of the stairs I headed along the hall and Henry refused to accompany me, instead choosing to repeatedly head-but a plug socket.
Now this particular plug socket is loose to say the least since it is secured, somewhat tentatively, to old lathe and plaster. Giving the little red fella a couple more yanks I did point out, at some volume, that whilst the loss of the plug socket would be inconvenient for me it would be far worse for the little electric guzzling fella (remember the profanity chest never empties).
On this occasion Henry was saved from a good boot back down the stairs by sheer good fortune when I spotted the lead tangled up on the stairs (doubtless knitted out of spite while in the porch the other night).
On a more serious note does anybody know who thought it was a good idea to put a fixed smile on such an awkward device. Since Henry goes out of his way to be a nuisance a smile must be some sort of sick joke. It is like every time he drags glass over your wooden floor, ties himself in his own cord or hides behind something and ignores you he is bloody grinning. He is like some idiot child who, when you confront him in a rage he just grins like he finds it bloody funny! I have sat him in the corner staring at the wall whilst me and the ducks enjoy a Saturday night beer.
I am going to sign off now with the following dilemma. I have noticed something written on the whiteboard, where all my reminder end up, it is two words circled (that makes it a reminder). The words are ‘cling film’ and ‘nuts’ and the dilemma is to work out if that was a shopping list or an activity?