First off can I just say a big thank you for bearing with me over these posts, normal service will be resumed I can assure you.
As part of the cathartic process of blogging I feel that I do need to answer a question put to me recently by one of the two most important people in my life, my daughter.
As some of you know and some will have gathered it is that time when we start to process the legalities with regards to my ex marital home and my perspective has not been presented well (if at all). So the question was ‘do you feel guilty?’ and I guess it was aimed at the fact that my financial commitment to said house is coming to an end. So, for the record, I just want to address this question and who knows one day my beautiful daughter may read and understand.
Do I feel guilty for unconditionally loving my children – No.
Do I feel guilty that the mother of my children had an affair – No.
Do I feel guilty that I tried to maintain a marriage for the sake of my children – No, I feel stupid but not guilty.
Do I feel guilty over the divorce – No, see first point.
Do I feel guilty for the time spent sofa surfing and sleeping in my car whilst providing for my children – No.
Do I feel guilty for never rearing up in the face of the unrelenting cruelty and vindictiveness of the mother of my children – No.
Do I feel guilty for never-failing to provide for my children whether I had an income or not or was ill myself – No, I am a father.
Do I feel guilty for providing a home for my ex-wife’s partners and her other child – No, I am not responsible for others lack of substance.
Do I feel guilty that I spent 16 years unable to move on financially, living in rentals and with my life on hold – No.
Do I feel guilty that I am not in a position to pay a mortgage off and gift the house to my ex wife and thereby allow my children, their half-sister, mother and her partner to live there rent free in perpetuity – No.
Do I feel guilty that I have provided a home for my children here with me should/when they ever need or want it – No.
Do I feel guilty? Yes I feel horribly guilty and have blogged this before. I feel guilty for the decisions and choices that I made which resulted in that one thing being the mother of my two beautiful children. I feel guilty for not being able to rescue them from the psychological damage and for not being able to protect them from the emotional abuse.
I feel guilty for the slow and creeping damage to two beautiful and innocent souls that results from Munchausen by proxy and for not being able to stop it. I feel guilty for allowing the destructive and sick matriarchal control to pass through another generation.
I feel sad, pointless and a failure of course I do. But in answer to the question: yes is the answer, I do feel guilty but I think the context of the question is wrong.