Today was one of those days, the sort that follow a girl’s night in between Mother Nature and Ms Nature. I guess they stay friends but, like that wrong’un that your girlfriend stays in touch with, she is a bad influence. Mother nature is a great girl and does wonderful stuff but she is prone to being led by her man hating friend, especially when she has a drink.
So this morning I departed a cool and pleasant Friesing at 5 am (4 UK time). A smooth check in led me to a reasonably busy transfer flight, well it is Friday, and before long I touched down at Frankfurt. The gate for my London flight was well hidden, you know the deal round a corner and down some stairs, but there were already half a dozen waiting for the flight. Two pages into the newspaper my cell phone bleeped as it delivered a message “your flight has been cancelled”. I have to say that I have no idea why my cell has taken to monitoring my movements, this is a works cell so has no data just GSM, but I will set that aside for now. There had been no announcements so perhaps my cell was wrong? Gradually my companions checked cells and we did that thing where you become ‘crowd aware’ and headed for help.
There were no Lufthansa desks open on this floor, why would there be? So we split and my party headed for the upstairs. The other group headed down and, for all I know, they are still wandering the bowels of Frankfurt airport, to the victor the spoils. Breaching security in a rather unusual manner we were down to two, our third member did not have the stomach for an all out assault on an x-ray machine. The etiquette here is yet to be developed, does one leave possessions air side, walk through the machine and collect someone else’s like an airport Mr Ben? Or should you carry your possessions in a plastic tray through the hoop? We opted to skirt the hoop and dive straight through the crowd, it was successful although I suspect more because of their shock than our cunning.
Now there was me, looking like a vagrant and with even less language skills and my companion, a petite and not unattractive woman. I noticed that whilst I had spent the march securing my possessions she had spent it readying weapons, hell in war you use what you have. Finding an active service desk we were each directed to the left queue. It was the end of our partnership, gloves discarded and cleavage hoisted we broke in to two camps. I elected for the mandated economy queue whilst she leapt into first with a smirk. My queue was winning and the line in sight when my bilingual opponent ducked right and carved a queue up. Displaying her linguistic skills to their max she dispatched both English and German complaints with a practised look of non comprehension before boosting her chest onto the desk.
I had just reached the desk when my running mate was leaving, her cleavage packed back away and the safety on “10:30 to Heathrow, not so bad” she grinned and I bid her farewell. I was informed it was the fog that caused the delay so City was closed and all of London was looking bad. “I can put you on the 16:40 to Heathrow sir” it was 08.30 at this point. I breathed in, puffed my cleavage and asked “are there any other airports” without a pause he replied “many thousand but not in London” funny that my cleavage never gets me anywhere!
Some debate ensued and we agreed to standby on the 13:40, not great but the best he could do. In part the proximity of the now wide awake and armed security sealed the deal. Several miles later I found an alternative security and re-entered airside. I wasn’t hungry and my laptop was flat so how would I kill the time? I couldn’t find anywhere to charge my laptop so decided on a lounge. After all I could pay the fee and then work for what could be all day. Alas the lounges at Frankfurt are also cleavage secured, you cannot buy your way in. I offered cash, card my first born hell I even offered a flash of Miss 10.30’s tits if she was still on the ground!
I resorted to google and discovered, well actually reminded myself, that Frankfurt is an extremely inhospitable airport for layovers. There are no private lounges in the airport and no way of gaining access to airline ones except with the golden cards or appropriate ticket. You’re probably wondering why I don’t hold said cards, the dumb thing is I do but for a short haul Lufthansa flight I didn’t bother carrying them!
What does any of this have to do with Ms Nature drinking with Mother Nature you may be wondering. Well fog has to happen, it’s one of those things but if Mother Nature had not been hungover with a head full of Ms Nature’s hatred then it could have happened at Munich. There are lounges available at Munich, I checked, or I could have retired to Friesing and tried again later. But oh no once Ms Nature was involved it was inevitable that I would be stranded in an inhospitable prison camp of an airport.
So with minimal battery power I did what all seasoned travellers are well versed at. I collected my belongings, formed them into a secure pillow, pulled my cap down and went to sleep. The staccato of German announcements made for a frequent rousing, especially the one for the 10.30 to Heathrow!