I am extremely lucky to have some good friends around me, people who look out for me and support me. I am acutely aware that some of these friends are spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about my wellbeing at the moment, so I thought it pertinent to explain some stuff. I am not seen out and about as much at the moment simply because I am feeling very unsociable, this is not a reflection on my friends or the company that I keep, responsibility for this lies solely with me. I guess that, in part, the season is not one that inspires me to say the least but that is not the whole story.
I am busy at work, not as busy as it may appear from my weekend excuses, but busy nonetheless. This means that I am trying to split packages of work into individual tasks and slot them into gaps in a busy diary. Most of my diary time is, at its least, double booked so there is some juggling to do to say the least. Whilst juggling these priorities and trying to make the most of my time I am ever conscious that the 16:00 phone call could change the next three days. It is incredibly difficult to manage the conflict in your head when you can’t actually guarantee your availability. Then there is the conflict between hoping that the call will bring positive results and knowing the chaos that will inflict 0n the diary.
I know that it has been some time since the accident and that, to all intents and purposes, I appear back on level ground. In short I am not, what you see is a carefully constructed front. My life remains on hold with a seemingly never-ending list of outcomes that I can’t influence, the frustration of this is like nothing that I have ever experienced. It takes an enormous amount of energy to continue stepping through the day-to-day activities of life like this. I am always conscious that my mind could drift from the task in hand and that I could be found wanting in the amount of effort that I put in, every minute is a battle to maintain some quality. This is not just a work thing, I planned a ring main recently and overlooked the easiest route, I knew the answer but somehow didn’t see it. On the Monday morning my oversight hit me, bearing in mind this was just theoretical planning, and added to the frustration and feeling that I am not performing at the level people deserve. If you couple the stress and frustration with gnawing pain that refuses to be ignored then you’ve pretty much got the picture.
This is my every day, every hour and every minute. I have become somewhat detached from the mask that you see, as if I am overlooking a lesser version of me, and I am not impressed by what I see. When you don’t see me it is not because something is wrong it is because I am struggling to maintain all of the characters, I just don’t have the energy. If I pass up a meeting or refuse an invite don’t be surprised, I struggle to get as far as the grocery store at the moment. I didn’t enter this experience from a great place, as a steadfastly single 40-year-old man and ‘absent father’ you really question your purpose in life. The truth, right now, is that I don’t have one, there is no purpose as such it’s just an exercise in killing time.
Rest assured this is not intended to be either melodramatic or some emotional breakdown. I am a firm believer that we all follow a path through life and whilst I am stuck on a roundabout at the moment it won’t last forever, this is just a chapter in my story. This was written only for those friends that are concerned and in particular Helen who, bless her, looks so worried. Don’t worry people, normal service will be resumed, ain’t nothing beaten me yet is there?