As part of my battle against the vicious Ms Nature I departed my flat this morning for a run. For clarity I would like to establish what my definition of a ‘run’ is, it is certainly not a graceful or long experience. A run for me involves an ungainly attempt to move at a speed greater than walking whilst my lungs desperately claw for additional oxygen and my throat defies biology and catches fire. The total experience this morning took 25 minutes although if you allow for recovery once home you can more than double that. There are two reasons for the short duration of my exercise regime, the first and most obvious is that I am unfit. The second, more challenging issue, is damage to my left knee following the accident. I maintain, much to the annoyance of my medical advisors, that Ms Nature is nothing more than an attention seeker and as such should be ignored.
This morning’s exercise involved the added challenge of running up steps and slopes. The logic for this is that the instability of the knee, remember I still collapse when I get up in the night sometime, will only be resolved by pushing it. I will certainly hobble for the rest of the day but I like to think that Ms Nature is cursing herself in the corner like a sulking child ignored by tired parents. My run took me along the promenade and the coastal cliff, I fail to see the attraction of the gym when you have this as a backdrop to your exercise, it was stunning. As I returned I passed several domestic properties and could hear families awaking and starting the day. My oxygen starved brain considered what I heard and I think I have understood a reason for the obesity crisis, I thought that I should share.
I overheard debates as partners microwaved last nights take-away for breakfast. Don’t get me wrong, we all do it but is it going to help your waistline? I actually don’t own a take-away menu because, as a single person, any purchase involves more food than I need and it all goes downhill from there, but that’s another story. I also heard lots of bedroom televisions, if we discount children’s and single people’s bedrooms then there were still too many. This means that we are talking about couples with televisions in their bedrooms, watching TV is not what a cohabited bed is for. From a scientific perspective, reasonably active sex burns over 300 calories an hour whilst watching TV burns around 60. This, of course, is not the whole story because you are consuming calories whilst watching TV. It is easy to exceed your 60 calories per hour burn rate watching TV but, unless you seriously push the limits of food play, you wont exceed 300 calories per hour whilst having sex. It is not as simple as the placement of a TV though there is something more behind the fact that we see weight gain amongst happy couples when they have very effective and most enjoyable exercise programs available to them.
I think the first problem is marriage (well I would wouldn’t I) I think humans feel pressure to marry and we therefore marry the wrong people. Remember what attracted you to your partner, for blokes this will be the nice curves, bewitching smiles or sexy eyes for girls the manly wallet or good job or whatever the hell you see in the deal. This was the attraction that made you want to spend every minute of the day making love to this person, now you’re married so you are allowed. No sneaking around, no complicated social predicaments or hung-over walks of shame, you got it, you won, that person in bed with you is your trophy! So what has changed, like a kid in a sweet shop you’re stuffed and don’t want anymore then you move the TV and the drinks cooler into the bedroom and define bed boundaries. Now I am not purporting to be a relationship counsellor but ladies if you put out more that extra chocolate bar would be guilt free and it has to be easier to persuade your man into bed than the gym! Guys, when she says you spend too much time doing nothing and you’re putting on weight just jump on the bed and say “Lets try the Gav plan, 300 calories an hour, more if we get adventurous”.
Throw out the diet magazines and the ‘get bikini fit’ magazines and replace them with porn, ‘Fat club’ meetings? hell no let’s make it an Ann Summers! The best way to achieve change though is through peer pressure so I need everyone to help me here. Think of it like the government 5 a day and other such garbage. When you see a couple and at least one of them is carrying some extra look at them and think “what, you don’t like sex”, you don’t need to say it they will see it in the look. Sex releases endorphins or some other chemical shit as well so it makes you happy, apparently so does exercise but not as much. You like that feeling after you have exercised? You can have more of the same without leaving the bed nut please, turn Jeremy bloody Kyle off first!