It has been a glorious weekend here in the UK and rumour has it that the great weather will continue in to the week. It wouldn’t be right for me to let this pass without some observations of my fellow man. I think Paul would worry if I didn’t comment on tourism after such a busy weekend. My first observation is that tourists seem to believe that a clean and tidy environment is governed by some sort of pixie. They come to visit the coast because it is “so clean and unspoilt” and then proceed to discard their litter with abandon. Just a thought for you people, pixies don’t exist we have to pay people to clear up the piles of garbage you throw around.
My local businesses are all trading well, some of this I understand some I do not. Pubs and ice cream stands should be busy in the hot weather, as should the tourist attractions. Quite why my local grocery stores look like they have been laid siege to I can’t explain. I also struggle with the fact that chips are such an astounding novelty that everyone and I do mean everyone, has to eat them for every meal. Perhaps it is the proximity of the sea and the thought of fresh seafood that draws them to sausage and chips?
I would also like to explain that the UK is a small country, we can travel from the coast to the big smoke and indeed many of us originate there. This is not the US, you are not visiting some backwards hick state full of yokels. We have television, Internet and central heating hell even those fangled gasoline engines have arrived here. I offer this to the guy that was actually explaining the principle of road cones to the local plastic policeman this morning. A coned area of road is an area where you cannot park right? No not according to our tourist who explained that as long as there was no cone directly adjacent to his car he could park. Brilliantly his tourists buddies cottoned on to this and started moving cones to allow them to park in between. The plastic policeman was far from equipped to face such a trying challenge, so he wandered off. Please don’t be misled by this uniformed half wit, the rest of us have separate fingers and toes but hey nobody can beat him in a swimming race*
In other examples, when you walk past an ATM and then pay a bar bill of £4 with a card don’t be surprised if we look frustrated. Why do we need to give you cash back? Just because you have grown to avoid cash as a security risk we have not. If you want cash use the ATM, we are not backward or stupid, despite the mutterings to the contrary, we are just capable of carrying money, try it. You come to visit us because this is not a city, the pace of life is slower and everything is lovely so stop trying to change it. When your stopped on the one small coast road don’t go all ‘Johnny big potatoes’ and spin a frantic 5 point turn. We know there is only one road and you can bet we will be there to watch when you come back!
Finally if you insist on marvelling at how cheap our beer is we will have no choice but to impose an out of town tax. Not for the money you understand but just to make you feel at home and make the card transactions worth while.
*Please also don’t read too much into the fact that Helen was hit by a push bike in town. In her defence it is not unheard of out in these parts for cyclists to observe the rules of the road, we have explained that this is not the case in London where cyclists have abandoned any sense of regulation. Next time we let her travel that far she will be wrapped in bubble wrap