I apologise in advance for this post. It is not often I get personal or in depth but this is my blog and records my life so sometimes shit happens, sorry.
I am the father of two gorgeous and healthy children. Well I say I am the father but that is in a biological sense. I am not entirely sure where I messed up but clearly I did. I was brought up to believe that everything we do is for the kids. I thought I had found the same sentiment in their mother maybe I did, for a while. I regret a great many things in my life, as we all do, but that choice more than any. I am not sorry that I have my kids but I am saddened and horrified at where they are, a result of my failure to understand their mother.
I knew that their mother was on antidepressants, most women I knew were, was it odd? I didn’t think so but, maybe I should have. I had no idea her problems were that bad, I didn’t realise that she was incapable of being an adult in her own right. I knew she had issues with food, another common problem but I wear my ex wife’s wedding around my neck, like Cinderella’s slipper nobody can fit it. I never realised it was that bad.
For all the good things that I have done, for all the moments and memories. I made a fundamental mistake that I will regret forever, I hope one day my children will be able to see the mistake and forgive it. My mistake was to have children with someone that wasn’t mentally capable. That is not just a bitter opinion, it has been confirmed by professionals.
Am I angry and bitter about divorce? Damn right when it wasn’t my fault. Would I trade it all to keep my gorgeous children normal, all and then some. Ladies I know men are not what the magazines say, not what you dream of. But you love your dads, think how it feels to be there in passing, to miss the moments, to be a brief memory.
I love my children more than words can say. I have invested the sum of their lives in making their path easier, I have traded my time for their future. The world is not a forgiving one and my reward for following the right path was not what I wanted. I don’t see my children, I just fund their lives, I don’t make decisions about them I just fund the results. Ladies if you read this please learn one thing, we love our kids, that’s it. Whatever you think, whatever your told, my bed is lonely not because their is no girl but because when I call out my kids are not here. I am incomplete every day, not because I failed but because I am male.
I want so much to be a part of my children’s lives but that is not my option, not my choice. I am the breadwinner, the recoverer, the ‘when they get older’. Wonder why I had the snip, wonder why I won’t marry again? Look at my wall, the outdated pictures, check my phone and the old messages. Some mistakes are too big to make twice. I am not just the bank of gav I am dad and every day that you read that wrong hurts me. I will always be here for my kids but, thanks mum, I will only ever be a bank of last resort. My mother taught me good guys always win, luckily she passed away or that debate would still be running.