There are things that happen in your life that, they say, make you realise life is short. I would have to challenge that, I think events and time can make you realise that life is empty. Sometimes you have the opportunity to take stock and measure your value. Be careful when you do because the maths is not always favourable.
When you spend all week in a hotel it makes the emptiness of home seem somewhat more cold. On the way home I have to stop for groceries, home is only a weekend experience you see. I invariably spend the week planning good home cooking for the weekend, I love to cook. The grocery shop is where it ends, a quick scan of the shelves reveals the insanity of good cooking for one. I don’t have a freezer at home so big meal cooking means waste or gluttony.
I decamp at home, check the mail, start the laundry and then . . . Well that’s just it, there is no ‘then’ just time killing. I will check work emails, schedule some bill payments and read for a while. I have to exercise of course or Debs will kill me, or worse accuse me of not trying. From then on my weekend becomes a battle to fill time and delay the inevitable visit to the pub.
At the weekend the pub is my work, its where I see people. The flat is my hotel room, limited by its 4 walls and bereft of interaction. So when I do the maths, when I add up the value or calculate the loss its not a big number. I have said before that this is part of the reason for the pub, that wanting to be part of a community.
I have fought in my life so that neither me nor my children will go without, my life is a success when measured against childhood goals. But a legacy of that is that my life is empty. I always said of my mother that she may have had nothing but she was happy, how odd that neither is true of her son. When my status updates from ‘on pause’, when life returns to me for living I shall redouble my efforts to achieve my dreams.
Its been a very dark weekend despite the sun but I am determined to change the maths, I will be missed. I am that man who retires and dies within weeks, but I have time to change that.
Sorry for the dark tone, just one of those posts that had to be done, for completeness.